Playing on the Edge

In life you have to define your game plan…
What is it that you want out life… and if you don´t have an answer to that question, at least know what you don´t want!
Sound easy?
It should be, but those who´ve been around long enough know that simplicity doesn´t always compliment decisions.

What do I want? (Besides the Euromillions and September to come around quicker this year)
I want to get to know somebody…
Someone that captivated me with some good answers and interesting perspectives.
A person who promises to be more than what he seems.
Good conversation, aparent sincerity
A man with potential.

Simple?

Not quite… simplicity is killed by implications, possibilities and consequences that threaten other decisions previously made. For example:

I decided never to flatter a man with compliments that can and will inflate his ego! Yet I´m taking the oportunity to tell someone to whom this particular entry is directed, that he has the most beautiful blue eyes that i´ve ever seen. The kind of eyes that cause you to lose your train of thought; the kind that you could never get tired of looking at.

Consequences?
More than the imaginable… especially thought up by me!

Some revelations are the equivalency of shooting yourself in the leg or swimming with sharks. (double pun intended)
So why take the risk? That´s the craziest part… I don´t know and maybe that´s what makes the most sense. It´s like pushing random buttons and then waiting to see what effect they have. I find that the greatest surprises in life are recieved when you have little or no expectations.

Am I good guesser or was I hoping i´d eventually hear your voice on the other side of the phone?
Have you figured it out?
Was there any truth behind the answer I gave you or was I lying?
As far as i´m concerned, you can understand it either way! :-P

Anything else i´d like to share with the blue eyes that caught my attention?… (wouldn´t you all like to know! :P)

I´d to remind him that there is more to a person that what meets the eye. That sometimes when you think you have someone figured out; you´ve only just scratched the surface and that if you´re wise, you´ll remember where the danger lies in knowing someone´s thoughts ;-)

Robbed

Today I was mugged.
I’m alright though, just shook up.
It all happened so fast.
Some guy just snatched my cell phone out my hand and ran.
By the time I realised what happened, he was gone and the doors had already closed.
I watched my mugger run away with what was mine and I was helpless to do anything about it.
People around me watched in pity.
No one had done anything; it was all too quick.
And even if someone could have, would they?
It’s a big city and everyone is looking out for themselves.
I should’ve been more careful.
I usually am… but I let my guard down and I got mugged.

At first I didn’t know what to do.
I didn’t know how to react.
It’s just a damn cell phone… in a city like Lisbon; things could’ve been a whole lot worse.

People stared at me… but nobody said anything.

I don’t care about the numbers, people that matter will eventually call.
The messages are just words that will eventually get sent to me again.
The phone in itself is replaceable… but the photos.
It’s the pictures I’ll never get back!
I remembered each picture as I’d taken them yesterday and began to cry, I didn’t care who saw and what they thought, if no one had done anything until now, there weren’t about to do anything at all.

I’m pissed that I got mugged.
I’m pissed that I hadn’t been more careful.
Worst of all… I’m pissed that I was alone.
And although all he took was my cell phone, I feel completely empty.

There’s always someone that wants to take what is yours,
Watch your back; your bag; your cell phone; your job and your heart.

Living on a Prayer

I have a task to do…
And although I’m beginning to see what my mission is, I have no idea how to achieve it. Before it was merely a vision, now it’s official.

Why me?
What was God thinking when he sent me here?
Why now when I want to be alone, when I seek the quiet time to heal?
They warned me things would get harder… I just hoped I wouldn’t always have to face it alone.

They look at me with the desire to trust but the defence of built up scepticism.
I can’t fight that kind of history… I wasn’t here and it doesn’t matter.
It matters to them though, and I don’t know how to make it right.

How do you help those that don’t trust you to get close?
Those that bite if you get too close?
I grow tired of rescuing those that don’t want to be saved and sometimes, I wish I had the strength to just walk away and let them wallow in their self-pity.

God won’t let me… and in Good conscience neither can I ever walk away without giving it a chance. But at a time in my life when I just want to be on my own, I wonder if perhaps I shouldn’t do that same favour for those that ask it of me.

They form groups of allies that defend their territory without regard for their neighbours, yet should the neighbour build a fence, which too is unforgivable… They demand perfection from their leaders who must understand their human flaws; who must defend his nation whom are only loyal to themselves.

And then they wonder why the world is so screwed up!

My head hurts… maybe because it hasn’t stopped spinning around.
I’d like to make an effort… but I wouldn’t know where to begin.
It wouldn’t matter in any case, to be someone’s friend is to be some other’s foe.

To sit and work as if I don’t exist, maybe someone will see me…
On a good day, someone might regard my work as productive and helpful rather than threatening or ambitious.
I’m going to pass opinions, welcome or not and hopefully contribute positively to the growth of a team that doesn’t want to be team.
If I’m lucky, I’ll get to share a joke, share a story and share a few laughs.
Even in a battlefield, there are friendly moments for those who seek them.
And so while guns and bombs go off, I’ll tend to those who accept my help,
Dodge the bullets and hope that eventually they figure out that I’m not one of them, nor am I the enemy… I’m that colleague and friend they stopped believing exists.

Midnight Meeting

As the other four women sat down before her, she wondered again why she was bothering to once again call a meeting on the subject. She should know by now that each of them had a very distinct and different opinion from each other. They were too individual and dogmatic about their beliefs to come to any kind of consensus on the subject, and yet they relied on each other for their collective success.
As usual, Kat spoke first, voicing the doubts that each of them were privately thinking over.

“I don’t know why we bother to discuss this topic. It’s not like we’re going to come to any agreement.”

“We need to Kat, otherwise it’s going to cause conflict between us” justified Katherine.

“I don’t see why we have to come to a conclusion though. It’s not like we’re at a stage where we need to make any concrete decision! Here we all are stressing and in the meantime the guy we’re supposed to giving all this attention to might not be him, we probably haven’t even met him yet!”

“I happen to think that he’s the one! Am I the only one paying attention to the signs? The nervous affect when he’s around? The undying urge to reach out and touch him and how about that blank effect as a result from looking into those gorgeous blue eyes!...”

Katie sighed as she lost herself in her own imagination

“We have to think up ways to get closer to him!”

The four women turned their eyes on Katie with incredulous amazement. Tension began to mount until Katherine finally broke the silence.

“And that ladies, is exactly what we’re all here to avoid!”

“Speak for yourself honey! I’m willing to discover how deep this rabbit hole goes…”

“And once again get us all stuck in it!” Interrupted Kat with the look that reminded them all of the painful consequences of risks gone wrong.
Kay wasn’t one to back down so staring Kat straight in the eyes, crisply responding:

“Risks are a part of the reason that has gotten us this far!”

There was no arguing that! Kasey put her hands to her head, predicting another long night of heated exchanges and was relieved when Katherine finally brought things to some kind of order. Katherine was the intelligent one of the five. Patient, reliable and organized; if there were a head of the group it would be her as she was the one that somehow always managed to put all the pieces together to form a whole.

“Alright ladies, if we continue this way we’ll never come to an understanding! So I suggest we all have our uninterrupted turn to share our thoughts about this man and then we can debate solutions”

Silence announced their first and only agreement on the subject on the subject.

“Good. In that case I’ll begin by stating that the facts speak for themselves. He is a fellow colleague, a teammate… one which we have to relate to on a professional level. To get involved personally would be complicating things. Not only would public relations be challenged but we’d risk the atmosphere of our working environment. Think of the quality of our work diminishing with the loss of concentration and then there’s the scrutiny and criticism from our other fellow colleagues. We’ve worked too hard to put our careers under this kind of risk. We’re still recovering from the damages caused by the last failure endured. We’re in no condition to suffer any more emotional setbacks considering the investment we’ve planned for the next two years. I propose that we cut conversation to a minimum and we ignore his existence to avoid the development of deeper emotional bonds.”

“Just like that huh?! Why do you always forget that what makes us who we are is based on the fact that we’re not afraid to do and live things differently! Since when did we decide to back down from a challenge?!”

Kay’s passionate outburst was more than expected.

“Why shouldn’t we embark on this journey? Who can say for sure that you know where it ends? Unlike the two previous failures, this one has real potential! He’s single, mature, knows what he wants and goes for it. His life appears to contain stability and yet he finds ways to travel, enjoy himself and try new things. Kasey, I know you’re feeling me on this one girl! In fact, he’s captivated you all with his communication skills and general knowledge and who can deny his incredible sense of humor? The experience alone is worth putting our hearts on the line! Haven’t we always said that we regret more the things we don’t do than those we try? Aren’t you curious to see how he could fit in our lives? Do I have to remind you all how sexy his eyes, smile and oh-so-round ass is?”

There were giggles with the smiles but Kat was the one person that didn’t find the last remark funny.

“The world is full of ass Kay; if that was the objective we could easily set our sights on someone less risky and sexier in that department. His ass isn’t part of the attributes the rest of us want to invest in. May I remind you that those sexy eyes were looking in another direction that isn’t ours? Perhaps you’ve forgotten that those sexy lips are whispering sweet nothings into someone else’s ears and given the chance, his investment would clearly be that person!"

“Hey! Let’s not forget that she’s committed to someone else and for the record, I happen to like her very much!” cried Katie adamantly

“We all do! That isn’t in question here; however it doesn’t change the fact that his eyes are turned towards her and not towards us. On comparison, we don’t stand a chance of competing with her. I say we back off and cut our losses.”

“No!”

Everyone was startled by Katie’s outburst.

“I will not let all of you give up on what we’ve all been dreaming of! Have you all forgotten how badly we’ve all wanted someone like him to come into our lives! I know you’ve all looked into the depths of his soul when he looks at us, felt the heat in his touch and the warmth in his voice. He even knows our home as if it were his own. Can’t you picture yourselves waking up with him? Being pulled into his embrace? I know you’ve all imagined what his kiss is like! Why are you all denying your instincts?! I say we own up to our feelings and let him know his attentions are welcome. I don’t want to have to survive another lost opportunity!”

With this, Katie’s bottom lip began to tremble and even Kat who normally bitched about such sappy emotions was clearly moved. Putting her arm around Katie, she knew that Katie was the one that suffered the most with each passing failure and she squeezed her tight in attempt to comfort the girl.

“Don’t worry Katie, you always say that there’s no cheating Fate… what is meant to be will happen and nothing that we decide here today will change that.”

Silence.

“Once again this talk has gotten us nowhere” remarked Katherine with an exasperated sigh.

“Not all of us have shared our opinions though. For the person mostly preoccupied with setting up this discussion, you’re the one that’s least contributed!” accused Kay.

Instantly all eyes were on Kasey who wet her lips, visibly nervous on sharing her views.

“That’s probably because I don’t have an opinion… I mean I do – about him in any case. Unlike all of you, I’m just not sure what to do about it. At first I agreed with Katherine and Kat, figuring that perhaps we could postpone such emotions for next year and hopefully for someone else. I’m not saying that what we feel is intense, nor do I consider the feelings towards him circumstantial. All I know for sure is that we all enjoy his presence and I often find myself hoping he’ll talk to us. I can’t resist trying to make him smile and despite the consequences, I find myself hoping to get to know him better.”

“What do you suggest?” Kat said, getting to the point.

“I don’t, I mean I do… The fact is that we’re never going to come to an agreement this way so we’re just going to have to wait for more facts in order to decide. To get this right, we shouldn’t back off nor should we get to close. We’re gonna have to go with the flow. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that we should just wait and see what happens”

Silence.

“Kasey has a point. It’s the best temporary plan of action until something happens to tip the scales”

And with that, the meeting was postponed for sometime in an unknown future.

Kasey wondered which of the five he would like best. He saw more of Katie and Katherine than any of the others. He might have even gotten a glimpse of Kat on days she was busy defending some or other cause and Kay wasn’t around at the time and places that he was usually at. She wondered if he’d even ever seen her or noticed her existence. She didn’t exactly stand out in the crowd and often she felt overpowered by the strong personality of the other four. She often questioned her place within the five. Katherine was the intelligent and Cultural one who took care of business; Kay was courageous one who could be depended on to embark on any adventure; Katie the innocent, loving and very giving one who cares about everyone and Kat is the one that fights and defends all the causes. And she Kasey, is the fifth element that doesn´t stick out by any special gift. It had been Kasey that formed the alliance in the first place, joining them with the same collective purpose that drove them all: Love.

Climbing exhausted into bed, Kasey knew one thing for sure “If it isn’t him, then it’s someone else but he’s out there waiting for them”
She smiled as she grasped her purpose in the group – she was there to keep the faith.

On Second Thought

Thanking God that thoughts cannot be read or heard, I smiled smugly as I tried to imagine my colleague’s reaction if he knew the nature of the thoughts that he caused to cross my mind…

Determined to find a particular piece of information to back himself up on a particular process, he leaned across my shoulder and began to surf our inter network.
Getting that closes resulted in two assaults of the senses: the first coming from the warmth that radiated from his arm. A slight movement caused skin to brush against skin resulting in an instant spread of goose bumps. And the suave, masculine scent of a man that’s just begun to transpire is sheer torture on any woman required to behave professionally indifferent. It took all my strength to resist the temptation of closing my eyes and breathing him in…

Trying to concentrate on what he was showing me on the computer screen, I hesitantly forced a million and one ways I’d like to respond to the temptation his nearness represented. The word “unintentional” wasn’t being processed by my overheated imagination that knows no resistance so such assaults of the senses.
If thoughts could be read or heard – I’d be in a whole lot of a trouble each time a member of the opposite sex caught my attention!

The fictional book I just finished reading based on war and magic make me rethink my gratitude…
To read minds (without having mine read of course!)…
I’d never by fooled by a lie ever again
I’d know exactly what people wanted!
I wouldn’t ever have to wonder what makes people tick and best of all:
I’d know first hand what people’s intentions were!

Satisfied with these benefits, I shared this thought with the attacker that originated it in the first place and who continued to contribute to the increasing hormonal activity and pheromonal productivity in my system… and who surprised me with his opinion:
“To read another’s mind is to be prepared to fall in love with their thoughts”

Immediately calculating that mind reading would save me from attraction to the opposite sex, I was caught off guard at the possibility that it might cause the opposite reaction. I had been so convinced that the truth to the male mind would repel and kill all chances of attraction that I hadn’t considered the possibility that I could be captivated by the beauty and heartfelt thoughts of a man… the kind I could fall in love with.
Not willing to agree or argue, I merely pointed out that it takes more than thoughts to fall in love.

I stand in awe of God’s wisdom that created thoughts private and secret, never to be revealed unless we so choose. This power of choice is what makes us human and… avoids the revelation of all unprofessional ideas and opinions meant to keep the decency and peace within the working environment!

Watch your words – but set your imagination free!

Missing You Already

Holding back the tears
Swallowing the tightness in the throat
I wish I could ask you to stay
But it’s time to go

The kilometres walked
Songs that were sung
Shopping, trying out new clothes
It seems we’d only just begun!

The beach…
The bakery…
Even the zoo…

By bus…
By train…
By taxi and with our own two feet…

There isn’t a place in this city I wouldn’t have followed you to!
With you… all places and all moments are memorable.

So forgive the sadness when we say goodbye
Forgive the selfishness of wanting to keep you nearby
May time fly by quickly while we are apart
Until then… my thoughts go with you, and I keep you in my heart.

Old Friends

I turned my back
I said goodbye
But it seems my heart stayed behind

Close to midnight in a quiet office when all that can be heard is the clicking sound on keyboards as the late night operators insert data into the computers.
Work is far from my mind and I should’ve left two hours ago.
Instead I sit listening to old music whilst reminiscing on old memories.

Everything But the Girl is playing, and through my headphones a song tells me “love should hold old friends”.

Is that what makes me think of you at this strange hour?
I’m satisfied that I no longer think of you as often as I used to.
I’d like to believe that everything that linked my memories to you have burnt into scattered ashes.
Yet, I still think of you ever so often and I wonder what it means.
I no longer remember you with hurt, with remorse, with love or even with hate.
Nowadays I just remember you with that numb sensation felt when you stare at a painting or an old photograph that represents nothing and everything.

The day I get acquainted with this album, you broke my heart. You left when you should’ve stayed – you even said so yourself.
I know you would’ve stayed if I’d asked you to but I didn’t what the decision to be mine to make – I didn’t want to feel what I’d already begun feeling.
I didn’t want to give that moment much importance.
I wanted you to stay – you didn’t.
What a fool I was… but had I been given the chance to do it all again would things have turned out differently?
I try not to wonder about such things…

The music shuffled onto the next song: “…and I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain…” – it had been the only song I’d recognised from the album when you first played it for me.
I miss you…
Correction – I miss the man I believed you to be, the person I thought you were, the friend I thought I had in you.

A cold shiver rose up my spine as I remember a dark night in an airport that felt too big, too crowded. Lost in the crowd, I had never felt so alone and abandoned. I sat on my suitcase and cried all the suppressed tears that had build up since I’d discovered that I was hopeless in love with you… somehow I knew right then that I was headed for pain, never to recover, you wouldn’t catch my fall… I didn’t mean as much for you to bother and you couldn’t be counted on as a friend either.
You taught me that people have the importance to which we give them – The pity in the eyes of those that saw me weeping atop a suitcase only accentuated my feeling of worthlessness. But you’ll never know, you didn’t bother to find out and now I have nothing to say to you… because the knowledge makes no difference to either of us now.
I get irritated with myself just for wondering if you remember me.
Do you?… probably on the days my name is mentioned… but probably thought of only in the sense of a lost member of your fan club.

My thoughts are interrupted by the song that touches me the deepest and as I listened, a knot forms in my throat as if to agree with it’s title: “I don’t want to talk about it”
I wish I hadn’t.
I wish I’d never written you that letter or wonder of its existence.
It doesn’t fit in with your world or the feelings you define to live with.
Where do you keep it? My tension rises at the thought that someone else could’ve read it, with any luck, you’ve burnt it already along with my humiliation and every trace of my existence – that shouldn’t be to hard, there are plenty substitutes for distraction in your world.
A voice from inside tells me nor to regret that honesty that I would’ve regretted far more if I’d hidden it from you. But pride reminds me that perhaps less would’ve been lost if I’d kept it to myself.

I sigh as I close the photographs I’d been looking at and promptly shut down my computer.
We’re never going to dance again, we’ll probably never laugh together and we’ll definitely never talk the way we used to.
I now understand the concept of the end of all things:
Even when all is over, the memory keeps something alive that can´t be extinguished.
Is that what I have left over of you?
To a stranger I would name this bond, friendship.
But we’re no longer friends… or are we?
I’ll always remember your birthday; remember you when I dance certain songs and when I think of you, I’ll always see your face clearly, your smile, your eyes.
If you ever need me, I’ll probably be there long enough to help you out…
But I don’t want you in my life.
I don’t want the heartbreak and the disappointment that come with you and I’ll never back down from the decision that saved my soul from perishing.

We’re not friends but neither are we enemies.
We’re far from acquaintances but no more than colleagues
We’re not passing strangers nor do we truly know each other any longer
We’re two people with a given history and that seems to define us as:
Old friends.

Too Close

I prefer watching you from a distance, where you cannot see me or read my mind.
Your piercing gaze bothers me; the way it almost conjures my deepest thoughts to mirror in my expressions.
I’m grateful that your attention is upon her…
That way I can openly analyse you without fearing getting caught during my inspection.
I tell myself that you’re the pleasant pastime meant to distract me from morbid thoughts and serving as a vitamin to the feminine eye…
I grow addicted to your presence and it worries me that I begin to look forward to those few hours in which I may get a glimpse of you.

Relief that the position I found myself in that hadn’t been caused by own hand, soon faded as I realised that I was nonetheless in a situation where my cheeks threatened to give away my rising emotions and that you’d see that your magical affect works on me.
Too close for comfort… not close enough.

It amuses me that you haven’t yet seen past my youthful energy. You stare at me as if I’m a girl who has yet to learn and often I wonder if I shouldn’t remind you that there’s more to what the eye can see… Would it surprise you to find a woman underneath?… with a fertile imagination, desires and the courage to act upon them. Dig further and you might just reach the heart…
Sometimes I’m tempted to give you a glimpse, to show you how deep my soul goes… but that would be letting you in too close…

I vaguely recall you saying something about a smoking (we call that a tux!)
I confess that I was somewhere lost in your blue eyes, distracted by the scent of you while both praising and cursing you for standing so close to me.
Any closer and I’d be tempted to touch you… to feel if the warmth of your smile matched the heart in your veins, to feel the texture of you arm and then move my fingers up to your face… to trace those lips, how would they react to my kiss?
The closer you stand to me, the more self control I’m forced to summon.

Sweet torture it is to have you around when I’m supposed to be making serious decisions! You must regard my hesitation as inexperience… I wonder how you’d react if you knew that you provoke the muddle up of thoughts.

If you knew what I’ll never dare tell you,
You’d understand what I myself can’t make sense of.

We part ways with a smile…
You think me to be sweet and innocent…
And I thank God that only angels read my thoughts!

I save a grin for my angels who all too well knows how creative my mind can get and sigh with relief that you’re not close enough to see a mirror of the thoughts behind my eyes.

The Sun is a Rock

In eighth grade, I read a book written by a young Jewish girl that had survived the Second World War by exiling to Siberia with her mother and grandmother. Times were tough and not only were her school notebooks made from newspaper, as food was scarce and the winter cruel. I recall her describing her mother as the rock of Gibraltar because throughout rough times her mother never faltered, standing by her family courageously and finding the strength to motivate them even when the potatoes were frozen in the ground.

A rock endures all weather.

I assume all my responsibilities.
I stand up to life’s challenges.
I handle my affairs.
I seek and find solutions.
I pay my own bills and I take care of myself.
I’m as independent as an individual could possibly be and I’m every bit the woman I intended on growing up into.
I’m the woman, the friend, the co-worker, the daughter, sister, psychologies and every bit the rock I’m expected to be.

A strong rock; steady and reliable.
Resistant and made of the stuff that supports and survives.
Rocks aren’t expected to even have to lean on another rock.

There’s and Old Portuguese saying about soft water and hard rocks…

When I’m alone and the world doesn’t need me to be strong, I find that the soft water comes from within and that at times like tonight, I wish I had my own rock to lean into, to summon strength when all of mine deserts me, leaving me feeling weak and vulnerable.

At the end of the book and the war, the girl returns to Austria with her mother and grandmother. There she is met at the train station by her father and brother, and for the first time in her life, she watched the rock break down as her mother put her arms around her husband and expressed the hurt caused by the years of pain, hardship and distance.

While the human being is given the potential to learn and overcome almost any difficulty in life, not always does the outcome depend on our bravery. And while we were given hands and brains to produce and invent, there are still some things that only faith and fate can give us.

Right Place at the Right Time

I love the feel of the cool grass under my feet.
I love the warmth of the sun on my face that fills me with light and heat, spilling onto my shoulder.
I love the infinite blue of the sky that reaches far into infinity, beyond the clouds from where angels watch over me and where my prayers are received.

Listening to the sound of the water flowing in the central fountain, I’m grateful for the accompanying singing of birds and laughter of children.
Every now and then I’m hit by a ball accompanied by some or other apologetic smile.
Surrounded by joy, I can’t help by be contained with my own happiness.

I’m happy.
Leaning on a tree, legs stretched with a thick book and my thoughts; hardly anyone notices me writing on my notepad and the few glances I get assess me as a student.
Always a student – it seems there’s always something to learn and when it’s not new, it’s refreshed.

Alone but not lonely.
I wouldn’t pick anywhere else to be.
It’s like the picture of a prayer I once said and which God answered in his own time.
Had I been the artist, I would’ve painted a few things differently:
My brother would be running after one of those balls…
My grandmother would be sitting beside me with her crochet…
Perhaps my ants and uncles would be there too and I’d lay my head on my mother’s lap as she played with my hair and spoke about this and that.

I’m neither jealous nor sad for their absence,
Carrying the people I care about in my heart entails being with them in spirit.
I promised myself to bring them here when life gives me the opportunity.

Couples catch my attention and I realise that someone else is missing…
I love my own company and lately I find that I enjoy it more than I thought possible but an inner voice tells me that someone’s missing and no friend or family member can replace.
I wondered where that person could be and if he were enjoying the sun as much as I was, maybe this summer I’d get to show him this tree I found myself under.

Someone tall, dark and handsome jogs past me and winks my way.
I laughed at how my angels let me know that they’ve heard my prayers remind me that I’m exactly where I’m meant to me…Drawing my attention back to my book of magic, I release myself into time…

Taking Note

An Audi with leather interior... check
Fine tuned sound system... check
Tight white pants and black shirt... check
The leather jacket, the Raybans... check

Although I try not to judge a book by its cover, I prudently took note not to expect much from the contents... even though the cover was attractive enough.

So what if you have all the moved and know the right words to stimulate interesting conversation?
You may think that you know how to satisfy, but you lack the integrity and intention to keep a woman satisfied.

Perhaps you’ve mastered the skill of one night pleasures to fooling yourself into believe that is where true happiness lies.
Why put up with one woman if you can have them all?
Old habits die hard.
Yes they do, and at thirty-three years of age, it takes real strength of spirit to change.
And why change?

Taking note of your arrogance; your emptiness; your lack of commitment or love for something or someone in life other than yourself.
Your intelligence fails to impress me due to the fact that is it used for manipulative purposes.
You’re the one they warn all their daughters about...
The one that awakens the desire; feeds the fire but never quenches the thirst.

To stay longer than an evening, for days in a row and timeless moments is a tremendous emotional commitment.
The risky kind that sees both the best and the worst of a person, that fills the empty void you’ve become unaware of.
It amuses me that you think me a prisoner of my desires when you’re the one who won’t risk opening up to someone else.

Potential shouldn’t be regarded as a guarantee.
Something’s, some people and some moments just can’t be faked -
And those who know don’t bother trying.

Don’t take up challenges you can’t win – take note!

Making History

Unless you arrive at the beginning, as a newcomer you’re faced with both a blessing and a burden: Ancient History.

You weren’t there, you didn’t see and you didn’t participate.
It’s a mixed blessing when you feel left out of a memory that belongs to all your teammates except you… you only just arrived.

I call these people in the surrounding environment my teammates due the fact that be they family, friends, colleagues or members of your chess club; they are a part of the an environment in your life in which you chose, or have to be a part of. They determine how good that environment can be and influence your activity, productivity and mood either directly or indirectly.

After analysing my working environment, I decided that the environment was simply too competitive to get personally involved and I opted to define my standpoint as a working observer. The way I saw it, the less I knew about personal motives, the less probability I’d have of being disappointed by the individual attitudes of my team mates. Criticism would only be made on a professional level lest diminishing the possibility of ever taking things personally.

In theory, it’s a simple attitude to render, but any observer who stays long enough in his surroundings will tell you that after a while you too become a part of history itself.
It’s impossible not to get involved… because you’re a team and because everything that you achieve or fails as a team has direct impact on you.
Time makes you a judge of character as you decided who you can and cannot trust. At some point any threat or criticism made to a teammate is in equal weight s if it were directed at you.
When bonds are made, you find that no matter how hard you try – you can’t always be impartial or indifferent.
That’s what makes life hard and decisions difficult to make, because they’re not always linear. Right by some and wrong by others, the emotions felt cause the scales to tip over.
In a room where everyone’s dancing, no matter how hard you try, you can’t avoid stepping on someone’s toes and sooner or later your toes will be stepped on too – often when and by those you least expect it.

Inevitably you make friends – even if they’re not aware of it.
Because there is so much more to a person that just their work and what they can teach you and often I find myself wanting to know more about a person beyond what they appear to be. At times I wish I could relate to certain people on a whole different level, on a different environment.
There’s so much more to an individual that what they know, I believe that you cannot hide your very essence beneath any amount of professionalism.
I daresay that with very few exceptions, if all my colleagues weren’t in the environment where they’re forced to work together, they’d probably be best friends.

History.
A place that keeps the lessons that have been learnt, solely responsible for the consequences and attitudes of the present.

It hurts me to see the scars of the part on those that become even dearer to me with each passing day.
If only time allowed things to return to the beginning, I’d snap a finger and the slate would be wiped clean so that trust could be rebuilt. Maybe then we could be less individual, more supportive…
I look around me and feel like there’s an ocean between me and the islands where my teammates stranded themselves individually on.
For now I’m thankful that I’m welcomed with comradeship but sooner or later I’ll be judged by befriending the offending neighbour and I’ll find myself in the very position I try to elude – it’s inevitable, at least it’s comforting in the sense of belonging.

I have hope, some say a fool’s hope and they’re probably right – hope nonetheless is far more productive than doubt or scepticism. With hope there’s always the possibility of growth or change.
I’m not so naïve to ask God for the power to change what history has already shaped. Instead I ask that tools become available to those who intend of making things better and that the mirror facing those who require a clear image for auto-evaluation.
I can’t change the world but I can change the way I react to it and perhaps if I smile when I feel like crying, the person in front of me will smile too and who knows… we may even laugh about it later.

I want to exist as an active partner with a positive influence and a helping hand to my teammates. No longer am I a mere observer even though I often with I was invisible. May my intentions always be transparent to those who look my way. Perhaps then we can find a way to strive to the same collective purpose.

Life gives us only one guarantee: that sooner or later each person is bound to disappoint us in one way or another. The difference and wisdom lies in the perspective we choose to see it by, the lesson we learn and what we do with it.

Tangled

I’m caught! Hook, line and sinker!
How do I know I’ve been caught?
How does any woman know she’s been caught…
You know that levels have risen above mere interest when you begin the object of your attention beyond the wet and slippery shower scene!

Today as I mentally praised the mould used to shape his behind, I was overwhelmed by the scary sensation that I’d actually like to get to know more about him.
What in particular, I couldn’t say but I began wondering about his middle name, what his parents were like and if he liked dogs.
Does he have a brother? Hehehe…
What exactly is he studying?
What is his favourite colour?
Does he in fact like Genesis and what is his honest opinion on Tony Carreira?
Along with the countless questions came along the mini movies made in the backstage of my imagination; like me and him sharing a pizza, going for a swim, flirting and laughing together, I could give him a massage and we might kiss… we could talk, have long conversations about everything and nothing in particular. We could share thoughts, dreams and opinions…

Uh oh!
And the fact that I was looking his way confirmed the warning signals and turned on all the alarms… it’s important NOT to panic!

When feeling that you’re on the weaker side of the attraction tug-o-war, one should first breathe and remain calm!
Make along a list of all the things you hate about him, the things that annoy you and zero in to each and every one of those things. Put emphasis on each point and remind yourself how you simply can’t be attracted to a man who knows what’s happening in the latest cheesy soap opera that even you don’t watch!
Avoid eye contact and substitute all potentially dangerous fantasy with the important stuff you should be thinking about! If that fails, substitute the important stuff with your favourite movie hunk.

After a good stretch and a cup of water, I wasn’t sure whether to cry or laugh at myself!
Part of me wanted to give into the pull of attraction, dare to dream and imagine and hope… wanting to believe that this could be the beginning of something good.
The other part wanted instant precautionary measures, no more daydreams, avoid crossing paths or looks and definitely no more peeks at his behind or otherwise.
Like two extremists at war, the inner turmoil was somehow silenced by the voice of reason that had already taken the decision it wouldn’t go back on.

I like the idea of a secret crush, it’s like living in a world where mortals can’t hurt you – Nobody knows but me and in my imagination; everything is as it should be.
Immature, yes, but a much better alternative than the hard battle I’d have to face trying to shut my head and heart up!
Call it a compromise; call it loony… I call it the only sane option between becoming a lesbian or a nun!
I allow my imagination the freedom it can’t have in reality and in turn it refrains from projecting itself.
Fate helps by providing me with years of experience on covering and containing feelings and when I do risk a peek, I know I’ll be safe at being caught while he’s peeking at someone else…

When I was a child I’d often wished I was invisible, I wanted nothing more than to be able to read people’s minds and after a wile I wanted the super power of clicking my fingers and making time stop.
I could take a closer look at the depth of his eyes and he’d never know just how deep I looked…
Now I just ask for the ability to control both the angel and the bitch within shutting them up before either of them gets me in trouble.

Timeless

There are moments in life when it seems like time stops, when you can hear yourself breathing and in that split second it’s as if the world stopped spinning around.

I met the woman I’m becoming.
Her groomed face gave her half her age and the confidence and culture with which she held herself immediately pronounced her as a hard working career girl with years of experience.
Her spacious apartment in the centre of town is evidence of her success. The light, energy and art that it contained reflects her good taste and the Mercedes she drives is the medal she wears for having climbed up the corporate ladder as any man can.
A lawyer who has travelled, met many people and conquered her goals is worthy of the life she has ever right to boast. And yet, I could see the fragile arrogance with which she protected herself with from others and I could see with saddened pride that looking her was like looking at a mirror of my future.

An unexpected visit to the beach was the hi-light of my day.
The warm sand massaged the tension from under my feet as the sound of the waves soothed my nerves and the light sea breeze comforted my soul like a hug that you never want to climb out of.
It´s impossible to feel stress at the beach, one can only feel more alive!
Rolling up my pants, I let the surf wash away my worries.
I sang for the waves and greeted ever dog and child I met along the way.
I also too the measurements of ever cute surfer that I spied, smiling as I added mental notes to my wild imagination.
As I walked back along the beach’s margin, I looked across the ocean at the sun’s reflection on the water and smiled as I imagined a million more images like this one…
Across the ocean are the pieces of my heart.
Ahead of me is a future unbeknown to me but however way I look at it, I know the ocean will always look like this, eternally beautiful.

I walked alone in Lisbon’s streets at night and reflected at how happy I was to be alive.
Through parks, across the grass and past the bakeries…
Lights greet me from building’s windows and I try to imagine what’s for dinner and the subjects discussed by the different families.
Walking past a church reminds me that wherever I go, I’m at home and a lemon tree growing in the centre of a garden reminded me that a cold city doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s heartless.
Sometimes I forget how good it is to walk alone in my own company with no particular place to be, with nothing in particular I have to do.
Sighing as I walked part the “for sale” signs, I remind myself that God is taking care of my real state plans and I merely owe him patience.

I thought about the things I want, the goals I’m working for and the person I could be and realise two things: I already like who I am and there’s no better time to be lived than the present.