Saudade

Picture source: Unknown

There’s no translation for it.
It’s the feeling felt when you miss someone, someplace so bad that it tears your heart apart.
Distance is life’s ultimate punishment
Your heart keeps that person close but your arms are too far to reach them.
Last night I went through facebook profiles and photos of people I knew…
The fact that I say I “knew” them in past tense is because distance has made sure that I no longer know who they are.
People change, grow and evolve… if you’re not there during this time, you’ll miss out on who they’ve become.
I sighed in awe as I compared the physical changes in the people I went to school with, some of which I haven’t spoken in years.
Doctors, lawyers… some of them became exactly what they said they would.
Others went in the exact opposite direction.
Nostalgia… the feeling felt on remembering and missing the past.
Nostalgia isn’t Saudade… Saudade is something else, something much deeper.
Saudade is what I felt when I saw my friends in their wedding dresses.
Saudade is what I felt on seeing pictures of their first children.
Saudade is what tore apart my heart at seeing pictures of the moments I said I’d be there for.
Because when you’re young you believe that nothing can tear friendship apart and that you’ll be there for every important moment in your friend’s life… and I wasn’t.
I wasn’t there for them and they haven’t been here for me.
Not that they haven’t been there in heart, I’m sure they were there in spirit…
But nothing takes the place of seeing that smile, hearing those words and feeling that embrace… Saudade.
It’s been a long time since I’ve cried the absence of what I left behind… friends, good friends… amazing people that life gave me the pleasure of meeting and which I left when I moved away.
They say it gets easier, they say you move on…
With the years you miss them less, you think about them less…
But then one night you remember them and your heart breaks as hard as the day you left them behind.
I don’t regret my decisions in life.
I just wish I could keep all my friends close by.
I miss you.

Light Warning

Just because you can, doesn´t mean you should.
I´ve always been a risk taker, but I learnt early on in life to identify my boundaries and when to stick to them.
Know your limits to take conscious risks.
People who keep playing on the edge, eventually fall off.

I was sixteen when my parents allowed me out to a nightclub for the first time.
The rules were simple:
No alcohol or substance abuse
Respect the curfew.
I knew that as long as I kept to these rules, I had freedom.
I also knew, that the day I disrespected these rules, I know longer had this privilege that most of my friends only dreamed of having at that age.
This didn´t mean however that I didn´t push my luck… at least where the drinking went, but I stuck to my limits and made sure I sobered up before going home.
I knew not to ask to go out too often or to stay out too late.
Sometimes I´d ask for an extra hour or two and often I got them, I also learnt that if I took a "no" gracefully then my privileges would probably be lengthened a bit the next time around.

One night I went out with a bunch of friends and was meant to be given a lift home afterwards. The vibe in the club was a bit dead and so we decided to go try another place… we didn´t make it out the parking lot.
The driver decided to show off his skills in spinning his car and ended up embarrassing himself by cracking a hole in the radiator as he spun over a curb.
Immediately there was panic!
Everyone was in fear of the consequences that came with their parents knowing what happened.
I knew however that there was no alternative…
I called my dad.
My friends and I worried that my dad would never let me out with them again and he´d probably tell their parents and that I´d probably never be let out at night ever again…
This was the shortening of my leash…
My dad arrived within minutes. He seemed calm as he took a look at my friend´s car but the fact that he didn´t look in my direction told me that he wasn´t all that happy.
I knew my nightlife freedom would be restricted if not cut completely but any other alternative my friends came up with seemed more irresponsible then asking my dad for help.
He called a tow truck, gave my friend a good mechanic's number and took all my friends home one by one without asking to speak with their parents.
As the last of my friends jumped out the car and we were left alone, I waited for the speech and my prison sentence…
What I got wasn´t what I expected!
My dad put his hand on my leg and thanked me for calling him.

My privileges weren´t limited, in fact two weeks later, I got another extra hour on my curfew.
Today I know that the faith deposited in me was due to the fact that I´d never overstepped my boundaries.
If until that point, I hadn´t earned the trust… my dad´s reaction would have certainly been different.
Oddly enough, with time some of my friends got night privileges from their parents on the condition that they were with me.

As a conscious adult in this day and age, there´s very little that I can´t do…
However I also know I must take the responsibility for my decisions and own up to the risks I take…
Not all the gain is worth the consequence…
Not all risks are worth taking…
Because people get hurt.
Because trust is fragile.
Because your leash will be shortened.
Because there are things you can´t undo.

I take special care to know my boundaries and to stay off the edge.
Just because I can, doesn´t mean I should…
It doesn´t mean I will.

If you keep pushing your luck, one day it will run out.

The lost secret

Photosource: Unknown

If it´s up to me you´ll never know…

Who you were

What I meant to you.

If you don´t remember, I will not tell you.

Because it was in another life…

Because it will no longer make a diference.

If you think you hurt now…

Be grateful that you don´t know…

It´ll hurt so much more.

That´s the beauty of a fresh start

You forget… You move on.

But you haven´t…

At least not as well as you would want to,

As I would want you to.

I so desperately want your happiness

It hurts to watch you...

Alone...

Lost...

Desperate.

You don´t know what you want.

Though you may seem to know what you´re doing.

You´re lost.

A little boy´s dreams, a prayer and hollow faith.

You never did quite know when to give up.

It´s best you don´t know…

It´s best you never remember…

The best of the secret will keep you warm in your dreams

And i´ll keep you in my prayers.

Friends VS Acquaintances

Picturesource: Unknown

Fact of life:
Sooner or later people disappoint you.
That means news for those who say:
"I´ve never been disapointed by so-and-so"
YET... because you will be.
Human being are just too imperfect not to botch up sooner or later...
This isn´t the first post where I state my opinion:
Not all fuck ups are intentional and so...
Take in regard the intention at hand and forgive as you would like to be forgiven (tomorrow you might be the one stuffing up).

However,
One of the most important lessons I learned in life is:
People only have the importance that which you give them.
It´s not easy getting to know people.
And so it takes a while to discover the imposters that call themselves your friends.
These are the people you are acquainted with that simply don´t deserve your attention.
After 18, you discover that life is short and time is scarce so you might as well save it to spend with the people that really matter and not waste time with those that don´t.

This doesn´t mean however that you don´t retain your acquaintances (at least those you can´t get rid of - others are just friends who can never be trusted again but who you don´t want to break complete ties with).
You greet them and catch up with them only when your paths cross.

Not to long ago, a bunch of us got stood up by one of our friends that didn´t bother to show up for a gathering that he himself had proposed.
No message, no answering his phone, no callback - in fact no one´s heard from him for over three weeks... we know he´s alive and well though.
What strikes me as interesting, is that of the six people that awaited him: no one was particularly suprised with his absence.
"It´s just one of those things that he does..."
I asked myself if the reason the six friends felt this way is because he´s so good of a friend that this kind of lack of consideration is considered a misdemeanor or if this kind of behaviour is ignored simply because he has already been classified as no more than an acquaintance and therefore his actions have little importance?
Nobody was particularly worried and the gathering simply continued as if the reason we were all there was a gathering of friends and his arrival wasn´t al all expected.
My heart went out to the one person that I know was truly disappointed - even though he wasn´t surprised.
One of these days we´ll hear again from that so called friend, greet him, catch up with what´s been happening and move on...
Maybe someone will mention the gathering he missed... maybe they won´t... all I know is that I won´t bother...
He simply doesn´t hold the importance I consider my friends to have.

Time and distance doesn´t always allow the contact you desire with your friends, however these aren´t the causes for friendship losses. To maintain a true friendship you merely need to treat your friends as you would like to be treated: with sincerity and respect.

Recipe for a Bitch

Photosource: Unknown

I recently recieved a brilliant sms:

"You haven´t learned how to swear until you´ve started driving"

I immediately recalled one of my early driving lessons where I was already telling some guy off for not using his flicker.

My instructor calmly looked at me and said, "you´re gonna be one of those..."

Roadrage baby!

And I don´t even have my licence yet (In progress... will violently shake the first moron who asks me how that´s going)That subject is a whole other theme... the kind i´ll write about sometime later this year (hopefully).

My second thought upon reading this sms was:

If you want to bring out the bitch in a woman there´s a better solution than putting her behind the wheel: put her on a diet!

Have you ever crossed a woman on chocolate withdrawel?

She´ll politely refuse a piece of chocolate that you offered with a smile and then crucify the next poor soul that tries to talk to her.

Once she´s done resorting to violence, she´ll submit to that pastry that somehow got in her desk drawer and after a brief amout of satisfaction... she´ll cry her heart out of guilt.

Determination - Violence - Depression.

A diet is the making of a psychopath!

For guys losing a couple of kilos is easy: they simply cut down on the junkfood.

Any woman will describe her battle with the scale as a continious war that garantees casualties.

It involves depravation, temptation and defeat... psychologically exhausting for she who diets... and they who put up with her.

Soon I´ll be finished with a weight loss program that so far has been working for me at a huge expensive and a hell of a lot of effort and self-control.

During the treatment my biggest aid is a magical pill that heeds the hunger at bay...

It´s so much easier to avoid temptation when you´re not hungry!

Howerver, when the treatment ends I´ll have the challenge of maintaining my weight on my own...

So to those who see me on road in October: Either follow the traffic code of conduct or stay the hell out of my way!

Daisy

Photosource: Susana Cirilo

Who says miracles are just for people? Each of God´s creatures deserves a miracle and I´d say that Daisy is one of the most deserving creatures I´ve come across in a long time.
Homeless and most likely abandoned, Daisy was found by our local vet hungry and flea infested. Softened by the sweet look in Daisy´s eyes, the vet took her in, fed her and treated her for parasites and the ear infection she had.
It became clear by Daisy´s submissive behaviour, docile nature and incredible desire to please that she´d make a wonderful family pet and it became´s the vet´s mission to find Daisy a home… in the meantime, Daisy was nurtured by foster families…

After much deliberation, we decided that although Daisy was a wonderful pet, we simply didn´t have the space and conditions to adopt her, however after our first encounter with Daisy we understood everyone´s faith in her personality and decided to do our part by fostering Daisy for a week.
Everyone tried to find a home for Daisy, there was an advert placed online, the vet spoke to each one of her clients and we even tried introducing Daisy to a potencial family... everyone was eager to help, but no one was ready to adopt her.

In the week that she stayed with us, she quickly learned the house rules… no climbing on the furniture, no climbing up to the first floor, dogs sleep outside…
It wasn´t hard to educate Daisy, she learnt these rules after two or three reprimands and began to learn other things like sitting and lying down.
It was fulfilling to see her confidence grow and she even began to play with us and Kalash. After merely a week her fur was glowing and she developed meat where once there was just bones – even Kalash put on weight! Competition makes you fat!
The longer we kept her, the more proud and attached we became…

And so it was on a dark Monday when we took her back to the vet after our one week fostering that we discovered that the bump she had her jaw wasn´t an old wound, but a bad break that was going to need to be operated on.
The fact that she hadn´t complained about it when we´d found her led us to believe that it was na old wound that had healed on it´s own. But her bad breath made us take a closer look and that´s when we discovered a splintered bone sticking out her jaw.
The discovery was simply devastating!
Not only was it hard finding Daisy a home, it was going to be even harder finding someone who was willing to spend a fortune on a dog that was going to need an operation – it seemed we had no choice, Daisy was going to have to put down.
Strangely enough, Daisy seemed oblivious of our dark moods looking the happiest we´d seen her since we found her.
Delaying the inevitable and not wanting the vet who found and attached herself to Daisy to put her down, we decided to take her home again to desperately think of alternatives – the most likely being, asking someone else to put her down.

I was angry, upset, disappointed that a creature so sweet had no chance… unresigned with the reality that “You can´t save them all”…
But God hears the prayers of those that can´t speak for themselves and their friends…

Just when we´d just about lost hope there was an answer to the adoption advert on the Internet – someone wanted Daisy – just the way she is.
Everyone explained to Daisy´s owner-to-be of her condition and what it would take to get her well and yet that didn´t sway her – Daisy had a new owner.
Owner and dog clicked at first instant and it was more than clear to us that someone answered our prayers – that God has miracles for all he´s creatures.

All of Daisy´s foster parents are going to help sponsor her operation although her wound seems to be healing on it´s own with the help of antibiotics.
Most importantly, Daisy now has a home and someone that gives her all the tender loving care that she deserves and needs - a miracle everyone of God´s creatures deserve.

Just a Reminder...

Picturesource: http://www.magnificentgifts.com

In the fast pace at which we live life, it´s so easy to forget a friend… for hours, for days, weeks – the gap can sometimes stretch out to months if not longer.
The wonderful aspect about a true friendship is that when that person eventually crosses your mind, that phonecall, e-mail and contact is wonderful! And even though there´s plenty to catch up on – the intimacy remains as if no time passed by since the last time you talked.

Recently I got reprimanded for not having included someone in a gathering and my first thought was “Yikes! I didn´t even remember…”
Unfortunately this isn´t the first time I excluded someone from a gathering by mistake.
I also then recalled that this person in particular not only didn´t belong to my social circle as I didn´t so much as even have that person´s phone number.
However the person found it in his right to voice his descontentment seeing as the gathering was organized in honour of a mutual friend.
I felt bad seeing as the person we both knew would´ve probably liked to see the person in question but neither of us remembered.
It isn´t as if the person was excluded on purpose.
What I find annoying is how offended this person was and the way I was attacked as if the exclusion had been intentional.
Curious that even though that person knew about our friend´s presence, he felt that it was my obligation to contact him and didn´t think to call. If he´d called, he most certainly wouldn´t have been forgotten!
Isn´t it strange how friendships and relationships are broken over so little…

Although recent, this isn´t the event that inspired this subject:

I dreamt about someone last night, someone I haven´t spoken to in a really long time. The dream was so intense that I woke up with the sense of the smell of his cologne. On the ride to work I wondered how he was doing and made a mental note to send an e-mail and make that contact…
This mental note slipped seeing as I drowned myself into my work the minute I arrived but just as things began to simmer down I paid attention to the song on the rádio and smiled...
It was the song that linked me directly to the someone in my dreams.
Coincidence?... That not only did I randomly dream about someone I hadn´t remembered in a long time as on the same morning, the radio played an old song that it normally doesn´t play which just happens to link your mind with that same someone.

I don´t believe in coincidences, I believe everything happens for a reason and in this case the result will be in the pleasant contact with an old friend…
Someone once told me that when we have an intense dream, the person on the other side will feel it too. I don´t know if I believe that anymore but it would be nice to know he was thinking of me too. At least I know he will be when he reads my e-mail and in the least, I´m grateful for the universe´s reminder.
What I´m most grateful for though is the fact that distance and time don´t alter true friendships and that I might not always be in touch with the people I care about but that doesn´t mean that they´ve left my heart and that sooner or later they´re thought of with with the tender loving care that I regard them with.
Here´s to remembering and being remembered by friends!

Chicken or Egg?

Photosource: Unknown

Have you ever regretted helping someone?
Or worse… before you reached out a hand, you knew that you were going to be slapped in the face and yet you still made the choice to help…
Is knowing that you did the “right thing” any consolation for feeling like a shmuck?
What is supposed to be highest on our list of priorities? Our wellbeing ou a friends?

Recently, someone close to me decided to share his roof with a friend that had just lost his. I was asked to share an opinion and before a decision was made we both agreed that there was a personal loss involved.

Some people are born martyrs… they spend their life looking to be victims os someone else´s needs and whims.
Then there are those that think the world spins around their waist. These people not only think that the world owes them a living, they expect your availability and goodwill whenever they may need it.

So where is the equilibrium? When is it okay to say no and when should you be saying yes? What are the rules for making the “fair decision”. Don´t you sometimes just wish someone gave you the manual.

I reckon that if things were so black and white, no one would have trouble making a decision… that there are no perfect decisions, only perfect intentions – or perspective on which we base our decisions on. Whatever you decide, ultimately the toughest judge to convince will be the reflection in your mirror.

Go with your gut and conscience – that´s the advise I give to those that ask.

Monday Evening

Picturesource: unknown

We ate an early dinner, sat in front of the heater, snuggled up and watched four episodes of Dr. House.

I didn´t study the traffic code,
Nor organise those CD´s,
I didn´t bother with my IRS papers,
Or prepare my backpack for the next day´s hydro class…

We ate an early dinner, sat in front of the heater, snuggled up and watched four episodes of Dr. House.

I didn´t look up the university information over the Internet,
Nor water the plants,
I didn´t bother with the basket of clothes that need ironing,
Or prepare my lunch for the next day…

I just sat and ran my fingers through his hair whilst my favourite TV séries showed on the screen.

Getting Older

Photosource: Unknown

What I most admire about children is their ability to lose themselves in something simple…
You´ll probably entertain yourself with a yoyo or a ball for about fifteen minutes before putting it down – but give it to a child and they´ll probably be at it for hours.
It´s more than just an object or a toy, it´s something they give their total attention and dedication to. Children allow themselves to become passionate over the simple stuff.
I spent countless hours on a swing as a kid but it was the box of legos that kept me still for hours on end... I simply couldn´t tear myself away! It was the toy that gave my imagination free reign!

As life´s disappointments start falling on you one by one… one learns to detach themselves from the simple pleasures in order to avoid crashing disappointment.
Then suddenly things start to lose meaning…
Better not get too attached to that jacket… i´ll grow out of it.
Better not get too attached to that watch, it was only a guilt gift.
Don´t expect him to eagerly, he won´t show.
We cut down on our hopes and expectations so that we don´t get disappointed… we even cut down on our dreams.

I finally realised what it is that I lost in the last two years in Lisbon that I most feel robbed of: I lost my dreams.
Not that I ever stopped dreaming… I simply stopped believing that any of them would come true.

To dare to believe…
To dare to dream…
Is to risk tears.
Are tears so bad if they make you feel alive?
I´ve come to appreciate the lyrics of a song recently played on the rádio:
“As long as I´m crying I don´t go blind.”

I lost something important to me…
Something that I gave more meaning to than it´s true meaning when given to me.
I could remind myself what it truly symbolises… tell myself that is merely an object…
Perhaps my heart would hurt a little less…
But in doing so, how many more things do I devalue, take out the meaning and remove the "special" from?

Maturity doesn´t simplify things, it just gives you more ways and reasons to avoid the hurt.

I begin to loathe every white hair that appears on my head and long for my years of simplicity and passion.

I saw people...

Photosource: Unknown

Due to temporary deslocation, i´ve been working this week in a different building which results in my taking a shortcut through Curry Cabral Hospital every morning.
The walk implies walking past security, past the emergency entrance and various consulting rooms before walking through a garden and finally walking past security at the exit.

On most mornings, the music from my earphones and random thoughts keep me distracted but this morning time seemed to have slowed down and I became aware of my surroundings:
I walked past a little girl sitting outside the emergency room with a look of all the sadness in the world on her face.
Knowing nothing else to do, I conjured my broadest smile and was relieved when she smiled back.
Smile - the best contagious ailment I know!
The old man in the wheelchair also smiled at me as I walked past the consulting rooms and the old couple in the garden sitting on the benches as well – the lady had a bandage on her hand, she must´ve either sprained or hurt it.

Why is it that I only saw these people today when all week I hadn´t noticed anybody at all…
The sad truth of life is, that we spend a lot of time "not seeing people".
You can´t keep track of everyone in your life however you learn that in life if you don´t appreciate the people that surround you - you´ll only truly "see" them, once they´ve gone.
I decided to give my little brother a call...

Onion Rings

Photosource: Unknown

One of the most interesting concepts I learnt in my courses in Reiki is that when you think you´ve overpassed some or other issue in your life – it comes back to haunt you.
Frustrating isn´t it?
That you think you´re over something and then you realise you have to deal with it all over again.
I used to consider this a weakness, regression in growth – a failure in humanity.
As it so happens, and to my relief at the time this shouldn´t be considered as regression but as growth.
How?
Well if you consider that evolution envolves new perspective than the issue you dealt with yesterday is now seen from a different angle… it´s the new angle in an old story that you´re dealing with – or as my instructor lovingly described as another ring in the same onion.

I´ve once again bit the onion and much to my disdain, am having a hard time digesting it. And what brings me to tears isn´t the fact that I have to deal with an old issue, it´s the fact that it redefines who I am and whichever way I choose, I can´t go both ways.

So what´s the issue? Independence.
For those that have been reading, this has to be one of my highest priorities.
It´s not that i´m at risk of losing it but today I deal with it from a different angle…

The turning point of my life was the realization that I depended on me. This knowledge made the absolute difference in every aspect of my life and I gained the courage to take risks… big risks… insane risks because the only person at risk is me… it´s my life, my decisions and my responsibility.
I packed, I moved, I risked and I love the control I have over my life… the fact that I can do with it whatever I please. If tomorrow I decided to become a workaholic student stripper than I could – because it´s my life and because I can.

A bad move accompanied with major disappointment lost me some of my courage to make drastic changes for a while… I become stagnant, resigned to licking my wounds until I decided again what I wanted to do… what kept me going was the knowledge that my life was still in my own hands.

Then there were two…
And everything changes, including your priorities because whatever decision you make affects the other half.
It´s easy to tell each other “I´m happy if you´re happy, so make the decisions that make your happy – i´ll live with whatever you decide”
This works well when choosing clothes, movies, dinner…
But when it comes to more serious decisions it´s limitting… because when you make decisions today with long term effects you have to consider your tomorrow before you make them. Trust me – I´ve bought and abandoned an apartment before and i´m still living with the after affects of a bad decision “If I knew then what I know now…”

So what do you do when you´re in a relationship and you need to make decisions with long term effects?
Do you live as if only today exists and opt not to invest in longterm projects for two because you don´t know if tomorrow things will be different…
Or do you trust in what you have today, believe it will last forever and build on that?
This isn´t to say that things can´t be resolved and divided when two people split up… but how do you build solid decisions on that possibility?
It may be wise to make decisions with a Plan B, but I find it exhausting to look over my shoulder at the possibility that things could go wrong.
I´d like to stick to Plan A and dedicate myself completely to it – if it fails, i´ll make a new Plan A.

In the meantime, I fall into comfortable routines, adopt someone else´s house as my home and fall completely and utterly in love with a family and a dog that I can´t consider mine – because it´s not gauranteed, it´s on loan.

It´s best to chew onions slowly…

Happy 2008 to All!

Photosource: Unknown

Year after year I hear about New Year’s resolutions that never come to be accomplished. Life as they say, rarely works out the way you want it to. And yet we make New Year’s Resolutions in order to have goals to accomplish.

It's better to fight for an unattainable goal than to have no goal to fight for – goals give us purpose, a reason for existence.

I'm pleased to say that I managed to attain two out of three of last year’s New Year’s resolutions:

1. I risked it all
2. I was happy despite the challenges – This one wasn’t a particularly easy goal to fulfill…

So which was the goal that once again slipped my fingers?… I didn't lose 20kg.

Don't get me wrong… it’s not that it’s an impossible goal – lets just say it keeps me on the same general level as everyone else when it comes to New Year’s resolutions.

This year my resolutions aren’t nearly half as important as the priorities I've set. Making major readjustments to my perspectives, goals and priorities I've had to make distinctive adjustments to my attitudes as well.

I've always known myself to make deep reflections during this time of year, but this year I'd say is a year which distinguishes most changes. After evaluating what is really important to me, I find that that I cannot longer carry two suitcases on the path I chose to take.

Reflection is the unpacking of two backpacks, letting go of what you no longer need and carefully choosing what you want to take with you.

It's at these crossroads that we define our character by the objects we choose to take with us… too long I've carried heavy lessons that weigh me down in the decisions I make… and so I leave them behind investing in a lighter and brighter future.

So what of my goals for 2008? Among them are:

1. Drivers license… and keep the scratches to a minimum of three
2. Visit Spain for the first time… Ilha Mágica here I come, the limit is until I feel sick!
3. Be Happy and Make Happy

Of course there are those that will probably accumulate to 2009, namely the loss of 20kg and the finish of my black and white (to hell with the black and white, they’re 23 shades of grey!) cross-stitch work – I've only been busy with it for three years, hehehe.

Man in kitchen - Part 1

Photosource: Somewhere off the web... PS. My sources say, it did NOT look this good.

I have a friend that one evening decided to make soup for dinner. So after work he went to the supermarket with his girlfriend and bought the ingredients he needed:
Carrots, spinach and potatoes.
Although it was his first time making soup, he decided to make up the recipe as he went along; after all how hard could it be… it was only soup, supposedly the easiest dish to make… that is besides fried eggs…
He put in potatoes, the carrots, the spinach and even though his girlfriend told him there was too much water – he decided that it wasn’t enough and put in some more.
After some time later… not sure how much…
He decided it was time to open the lid off the pressure cooker and grind the contents into something smoother… and smooth it got… a little too smooth… or rather…
Watery.
Four potatoes and ten minutes later, it becomes a little thicker… and lumpy.
I guess it would've been edible after you added salt… but no amount of salt could hide the distinct flavour of raw potatoes…

Two fried eggs later… my friend and his girlfriend contemplated on easiest form of disposing of the toxic gunk and decided that something made out of veggies with no sugar or salt is good for dogs…

My friend says it was because the soup was hot but according to his girlfriend, the dog all but gagged… she constantly pulled out her tongue as if there was a fly on her nose she was desperately trying to shake off and looked at her owners with on of those expressions that all but said
“What the hell was that!”

Something tells me that he won't be making anymore soup anytime soon even though he swears he's better at chicken soup… from what I heard, his girlfriend doesn't mind though – she says that even though he sucks at making soup, with him she doesn't go hungry…

Sleepless

Photosource: Unknown

It's 4am and I'm right in the middle of an insomnia I don't quite understand.
It's been a while since I've stared at a blank Microsoft Word Page…
Since I've felt like I have something to say.
And yet… I don't really have nothing important to say…
Nothing special to share… although there’s so much I could tell.
For the first time in a long time, I feel like time isn't whispering in my ear.
I don't feel the urge to do any of those things I should do…
It's just me and a blank page and a dictionary full of words in my head that I can't put into sentences… I'm not depressed, though I have things to be sad about.
I'm not smiling, though deep down I'm happy.
I discovered a brilliant song in one of my neighbouring blogs and I'm letting myself feel it… savour it… flow with it…
I think too much.
It feels good not to think about anything at all, to not worry about this or that…
to just be.
I contemplate fate… as a distant observer.
Instead of weighing things, I just recall them for what they are and how they happened.
The things that got me here… The things that make me what I am
And what I'm not.
The things that people do… the things that people didn't do… but wanted to.
Curious…
That nothing particular keeps me awake, but I'm not enough at peace to go to sleep.
Sometimes I think there’s a void… an empty space that can never be filled.
I can't tell you its shape or what’s missing… or what will fill it…
I don't know.
Maybe it's the weariness kicking in… Most of the times I believe that it's nothing more a fiction of my imagination, a side affect of the past that forces me to believe that something is probably wrong.
They say that the human being is unsatisfied by nature… maybe this is what it is.
Even though I want for nothing… there's nothing I need
(that is except a handsome raise in my paycheck!)
Someone once said to me that only depressed people write deep and soulful things – which explains why most poets were suicidal.
Maybe that’s the reason… the reason I can't put anything together or make any sense.
I'm too content and fulfilled to say anything meaningful.
I love that I have nothing to say… that my lips are mere servants to the lyrics I'm listening to.
I miss my little brother…
I wonder if anyone I know is up at this hour… I could think of one or two…
But I don't feel like it… talking… there’s no one I would have by my side… though there are those I sorely miss… maybe i´ll chat to just one person…
I need to get out of that place… it's making me crazy.
I want to stay here… I think I’ll go upstairs
There's magic in my bed that will offer me sleep and sugar sweet dreams…
Perhaps I’ll stay a little longer…
To ponder… about…
About why some dogs are born without tales…
Why some fairytales come true…
And some don't…
And why no one writes about the ever after…
Does it matter?
At 4:28 in the morning?
No I don't feel like opening e-mails, reading blogs, snooping in facebook or hi5… I just want to stay here and keep myself company.
Just be here and awake while the rest of the world sleeps…
Shh… I'm gossiping with angels!
The song has come to an end… let me quickly rewind it… I like this song, I think I’ll download it and add it to my I-Pod.
It’ll bring me back to this moment when I listen to it on the train… sometime between Vila Nova da Rainha and Oriente…
I’ll look outside to fields of sunflowers, to the river, past the small train station where I can imagine people dressed in olden day’s clothing, their Sunday best to catch the train to… to somewhere far! To visit someone special… to be with that person.
I’ll hear this song and remember how I feel right now…
I’ll stop thinking about something unimportant, take a deep breath and Smile.
Because I'm aloud to stop as long as I want to... even when the world is spinning at a breathless Speed.
I’ll probably give him a kiss… because I can.
And I’ll feel… something special.
Enough of this… there’s a warm body waiting to pull me close, a sigh of satisfaction to be heard and a kiss to be planted somewhere in my curly mass of hair.
The Gods must be crazy… and I like it that way.
5am.

Picture Source: Google

Last night my manageress asked me to make an important analyses.

This morning I stumbled on one of my colleagues sending my analyses to our department´s director with a few extra words and a little less signature – my signature.

I could stomp my foot, make a scene and demand justice… but since it´s Friday and our director is a big fat moron, I decided to smile instead.

Gotta have Faith

Picture Source: Jessice Galbreth

I believe:
In the improbable; In taking risks; in myself.
I don´t always get what I want
Things don´t always turn out the way i´d hoped
And yet I still believe.

If reality is what I perceive it to be then why shouldn´t I aim high?
In my opinion, i´d rather fail at something I tried doing and believed in than fail at something I expected to fail at – double disappointment!
Sure it´s hard losing grip of something you set your heart on but that´s just part of life – you can´t win them all.
And even so… I believe that all losses have their gains.
That things happen for a reason and that if you believe then all happens for the best.

Blind Optimism?
Not really…
I consider myself to be a blunt realist with a good dose of faith.

I believe that you´re a master of your own destiny but a victim of fate.
This means that you can´t always avoid what life has in store for you but that you get to choose with which attitude you choose to face it.
I believe that you get what you give.
And that if you´re a good person, good things will happen for you even if they don´t happen straight away.
If the universe is no more than energy, than the more you believe, the more it will work for you and become your perception: your reality.

Through years i´ve heard this be called a number of different things:
-self confidence
-the power of the mind
-Reiki
I call it faith. Faith in yourself and in the people around you.

“Take care when dealing with your heart. Take even greater care when dealing with other people´s hearts”

Disappointment VS Disillussionment
It´s the difference between:
“I believe that I have the capacity and deserve that Job” VS
“I will get that Job”

Faith is belief without expectation.

At times it scares me to motivate people,
Not due to dificulty in believing in them:
I believe in people´s potential.
But because not everyone easily accepts and understands the blessing of not getting what they want.
Shortly put:
I don´t want to be the catalyst of anyone´s disappointment.

Yet… I believe.
That people should believe in themselves and what they´re capable of regardless of the outcome…
That people should believe in their ability to make a difference…
And that people shouldn´t fear being disappointed.
As I told a good friend of mine recently: To fear taking risks is to fear being happy. Someday you get is right…
That is… if you believe.

My boss: The Dickhead

Picture Source: Unknown

Today is my day off.
It's one of those rare days when everything is done.
I don't have any clothes to wash or iron.
The house is clean and Kalash and I already went for our walk around the block together.
So when all is done I find myself with that much wanted time to do “my stuff”, most importantly to write in my blog…
But once I'm finally in front of an empty Microsoft Word page… I find that I have little to say… or so too much to say… or what I want to say isn't sayable…
Lately my thoughts make little sense to anyone but myself.

After catching up on my blog reading and going through some e-mails, I finally came back to the empty page and decided that I didn't necessarily have to write something spectacular… I just needed to write, to put some of my thoughts in text that I can read back to myself. So I picked one and this is what I came up with:

I hate my boss.
He’s an arrogant pompous ass that doesn't know the meaning of respect if a dictionary hit him over the head.
He takes reckless and uncalculated decisions without consulting the people that actually know… and he's destroying everything that I care about and helped build.
There, I said it:
I've never hated anyone in my life more than that moron!
And it breaks my heart to have been divided from amazing professionals that I loved working with, from being taken away from what I loved most about my job:
The people.
God, I hate him!
I watch him make stupid decisions day after day, treating people like dirt and destroying all the good things that were worked and built through the years.
Never have the quality standards been so low, never have the results been this lousy.
People are low on moral and stacked high with work.
And not the normal inflow of work, the kind of work generated when someone makes an ape decision and forces his team to work around it.
Doing something wrong is equivalent to having to do it twice.
It isn't the workflow that increased: it's the fuck ups introduced into the system!

I watch what is left of my team fall into a desperate resignation. Weak and frustrated we breathlessly attempt to hold together whatever pieces we can.
Exhausted… of trying to salvage and fix what that idiot keeps pulling apart.
There are days that I want to scream, others that I just want to cry.
I hate him.
He is the epiphany of chaos, anarchy and complete disorganisation.
The typical overconfident jackass that sucks the life of whatever good he has been given to work with.
He soils the very meaning of professionalism!

How can one man screw up so much? Destroy so much so quickly…
I guess it's just easier bringing things down than building them up…
But bullshit won't keep him up there for all eternity.
I anxiously wait for the day where he falls, gets fired or transferred or just disappears… someone wise up and kick him off this throne!

In the faces of the few good members of the team that got left behind, I see the same sadness I see in my mirror every morning.
The frustration of not being able to turn things around…
Most of all… the emptiness left behind from those that are longer there.
I miss my colleagues, the professionals that I've had an enormous pleasure working with in the last two years.
And I hate him… him and that other spineless jerk that made him king of the non-quality-sad-excuse-for-a-client-department.
Those two would be a hell of a lot more productive cleaning the rubbish from the sidewalk!

You'd think I'd feel better after venting… but in truth I my spirits are too dampened to cheer up. I long for change, for universal justice and for revival.
I hate my boss; he represents every possible selfish trait that I despise in a human being.
It's not that I don't know how to deal with assholes; I just don't want to have to!

Someday soon things will turn around, I'm waiting…

Getting Dirty!

Photosource: René Magritte

There are things in life that you don't quite picture yourself doing… and then on one Sunday afternoon you find your hands literally in the dirt and you stop to think to yourself:
“What happened?! What in the hell am I doing?”

I had one of these such moments this weekend when my man and I decided a major attempt at:
Gardening.

It started off with the fact that one of the plants on the stairs was bulging out her vase and needed a bigger one to grow. Then there was the issue of the bonsai that looked like a bush that had never seen a scissor in its life. Not forgetting of course the huge pot plant in the doorway that drank 5litres of water a day and was still thirsty….

Ecomarché – One stop shop for all your gardening needs. 20 minutes and 50 Euros later we were loaded with 10kg of dirt and tools to mess around in it with.

No instruction manual.

Not that we needed one, gardening is supposed to come as natural as having kids (or so they say – needless to say neither of us have the experience!).
So after unloading the car, we stared at our purchases wondering where the hell to start and came to the fast conclusion that:
“If it all fails, we’ll ask Grandma for replacements…”

I decided to take care of the indoor greens whilst my significant other took care of the outdoors… there’s just something about spiders that crawl onto the wall after the lawn has been mowed that gives me that weak knee feeling and for this reason, the grass doesn't fall under my job description…
You’d think that for the amount of the little suckers that hide under the green mat, mosquitos would be non existent in our area! But No! They squatter up rent-free in our grass as vegetarians!... Even the flies aren’t scared of them!
Hairless Tarantulas, that’s what they are!

Armed with repellent and the desire to work together, after three or so hours we came up with some pretty good results:

- We planted mint and parsley (none of which have shown signs of life – but hey it's only been a week!).
- We put more soil into all the vases, mixing it with the old and enforcing it with fertilizer (the commercial type, not the smelly one you were thinking of!)
- We transplanted one of the plants into a bigger vase and put one of her children into a new one (yes plants have kids; it’s the extension of the bigger plant). She's flowering for the first time I've ever seen but according to those that know her from small, it's her very first time flowering.
- We put the bonsai into a new pot (Yes moranguinho, I know I should’ve done it Spring but I'm just not the kind of woman that can wait nine months…) and we gave it a whole new make over! (No matter what you say – I didn't cut too much and she doesn't look bald!)
- We cut off old leaves and stems (Once again – I DID NOT cut off too much)
- And lastly, we removed the outside drunk from her vase and put her in the soil right next to the sprinkler…

So far… nothing's died.

Through the whole experience, I recall doing things the way I remembered my dad doing them. I cut the leaves the way my grandmother cut them and trimmed the Bonsai the way Código Verde had taught me not too long ago…
It wasn’t the planting, trimming and nursing of the plants that gave me the kicks, it was doing in teamwork and after a week, watching them grow…
As dad would say… with time, you’ll experience things a whole different way and you’ll understand them differently.

This doesn't explain however, my recent development of plant talking. Not only did I out of nowhere begin talking to them during the whole surgery:
“There now, once you're in the new vase you’ll feel a whole lot better…”
But a week after I continue with the habit of chatting to them as I climb the stairs:
“You're looking good! Just look at those two new leaves you've grown…”

If I start talking to any other objects, throw me in the loony bin!

Kalash

Photo Source: Sunshine

I love the feel of her…
The black, silky warmth that rubs up against my legs and begs for attention
She lays her head on my lap and looks up at me
Her big brown eyes are pools of tenderness
She asks for my friends and offers me her trust
I love the way she gives me all her trust
She closes her eyes as I rub her behind her ears and revels in the shared tender loving care.
To hold her is to embrace true love.
Pure…
Unselfish…
Whole…
She makes me want to be a better person.
Patient…
Trusting…
Playful…
We take care of each other, more than friends we're accomplices in the love we share for the same man.
The one that taught us to love entirely and unconditionally
She looks up to me and smile;
I so love it when she smiles and reveals the absolute joy inside sad eyes
It warms my heart and gives me the certainty that she feels what I feel
Knows what I know, reads my thoughts and shares my secrets.
She reflects them back to me each time she looks me in the eyes.

And as long as she's with me, I'm never alone.