Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Tangled in a Dream

Tangled in a Dream

You made me wake up in a sweat! I don’t often dream about you but when I do they’re so realistic that they keep me thinking about you long after I’ve woken up.
I dreamt that she had broken your heart and shattered your dreams. You were uncharacteristically broken with your surface shattered as it was within. Your anguish and pain frightened me for I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you without control of your emotions and in my dream I watched in disbelief as you spoke of your broken heart.
Quietly I listened to you speak and I wondered if it was merely a dream, somehow I knew that the moment couldn’t be happening and when you were done I stared at you, frozen by surprise. I longed to reach out and take you in my arms but pride kept me from doing so, knowing that the rejection of you turning away from my embrace would hurt more than my courage to try. It has been simply too long since we’ve last touched… I recall the last time that I laid my hands on you… giving you the message that I owed from a bet that was lost, I somehow forgot about the hard, massacring massage that I had intended and instead let my hands explore on your back. It wasn’t that I had never given a proper massage before; however I recall feeling marveled by the texture of your back and the way my hands felt and the slid from muscle to muscle. It was the sharp words, your two hands that gripped my wrists and the look in your eyes that scared me into adventuring any further from that day on… I knew then that to touch you would be to walk closely upon the edge of the peak of no return… so I no longer did.
Here in my dream, I listened in agony with the urge to comfort you with the touch of my hand bound by the pride that held it.
When there were no more words of despair or comfort between us, the energy left in between created a dangerous magnetic pull. Afraid that I’d give in to my weak resistance, I asked you something stupid that I already knew the answer to. I asked you who this woman was that broke your heart.
Standing up and looking at me as if I were a stranger, you bolted from my presence as if you’d been offended; as if you felt that the words you’d found such difficulty in saying, had fallen on deaf ears. Chasing you as fast as I could, I still could not prevent that heavy sound of your bedroom door slamming between us.
Staring at the white door, tears began running down my face as the sticker pasted on your door clearly accused me of a sin I did not commit. The “No bullshit” sign is the only one of all the signs on your door that I can still remember.
Knocking and pleading with you did nothing to help open the door. In desperate exhaustion, I leaned my back against the door and slid down to hug my knees. Frustration is a loud word that screams between two people that only have a door to separate them from touching each other. Two people that didn’t say the words they meant to say.
Knowing that it was all a dream did nothing to ease the knot in my throat, yet I urged myself to say the things I wanted you to hear. Praying that you were listening from the other side of the door, I began telling you that I was no longer scared of the things that used to frighten me. I now knew the importance of speaking my mind and my heart and I wasn’t afraid to say the words. I wanted you to see me for the courageous person that I’d become. Not for the life I chose to lead, but for the person I found the courage to be. If you only opened the door, I know you could see it in my eyes as I said the words I’d been too frightened to say until now. The opening of that door would mean that it wasn’t too late to still take you in my arms. You wouldn’t have to say anything; you just needed to open the door.

Dreams can often be our subconscious’s way of reminding us of the failures we still haven’t forgiven ourselves for or perhaps the fears we hold within. Sometimes they serve just to remind us of the people we care about or once held dear to us. However well you think you’ve overcome something, it may haunt you in a dream even if just to remind you not to repeat the same mistakes. I’ve learnt that you regret more the things you don’t do and say than those that you risk and fail.

Allow the dreams of tomorrow to define your plans today, your dreams of today to define your plans of tomorrow and the dreams of yesterday to guide you through every step of every day.

Here’s wishing you a good night’s sleep and pleasant rest… May Mr. Sandman send you the dreams fabricated by angels.

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