City Talk

There's nothing that pisses me off more than when people say the exact opposite of what they mean to say. You can't argue that they're lying because objectively they're not… however, when analyzing their words you find that the meaning doesn't correspond to the intention. It's clever and to those who use this type of language… diplomatic or friendly. It's a way of making you seem nice when you really don't give a shit.
It's annoying and it irritates the living daylights out of me!
It's a language most used in the big cities and although you don't pick it up right away, after a while you learn to decipher the hidden meaning behind the “good intention”.
Having heard enough bullshit to make me sick, there are certain phrases that are certain like for instance:

“Here’s my number, if you ever n want to go our or do something you just give me a call.”

Translation:
This number is meant for emergencies only. I don't really ever expect you to call unless you want to invite me to some amazing party everyone is going to or unless you're the bearer of the kind of good news the benefits me.

“If you need anything, just give me a call”

Translation:
If you're dying, I’ll probably take some time to come put a band aid on so that I can tell everyone how I'm your hero.

Here’s one of the top ten!:

“Damn! I was just about to call you!”

Translation:
I forgot your existence so it's good that you called otherwise I'd probably end up erasing your number from my phone list.

Bullshit!
It's the nice things people say to hide their true intentions and it's probably what I hate most about the big city.
Be rough… be cruel… be harsh… but be straight forward.
Say what you mean and mean what you say!
Is it really that hard?

Here’s my utmost favourite:

“That sounds great; we really need to do that one of these days…”

Translation:
…in perhaps two or three lifetimes from now.

I've learnt not to take this kind of talk personally and as they say in my “third world country” When shit talks and bullshit walks… smile!
Am I really the one missing out or is this kind of rejection no more than a mixed blessing?
I’d rather be quiet than dishonest and although I'm a bitch, I'm straightforward and those around me know what they can count on.
People live their lives complaining about the opportunities they miss out on and then they wonder why.
It takes two to tango and only one to dance alone.

Searching for Experience

She complained about the relationship that had stood the test of time. Together since they were fifteen years old, she lamented the fact that she hadn't experienced other men, other relationships…

She needed a wake up call!!!!!

If a woman experiences one relationship instead of ten, it's less nine times that she got her heart broken.
Less nine times she got betrayed.
Less nine time that she lost her faith and trust in love.
Less nine times that she had to pull herself up from the darkness.
Less nine bags of trash she needed to clean out before entering in a new relationship…

If a woman has the luck of having one long term and wakes up to the same face each morning then…
She has the privilege of experiencing all first hand moments with the same face…
The privilege of recalling those moments with the same face…
The privileges of recognizing every angle and every change on that face…
The privilege of finding that face with her eyes closed
The privilege of that face knowing and loving hers for who and what she is.

If a woman is in a relationship based on trust that allows her the freedom to have a big group of both female and male friends then…
She learns the bad experiences from others rather than hurting herself…
She gets to know her male friends at their most intimate without having to involve herself in a relationship with them…
She can relate at different levels with her different friends.
She get enough life experience from those around her to appreciate her man.

Love,
Trust,
Not to be taken lightly nor found at every corner nor built within mere days. What she has most women never find. That is experience!

My friend sat on a wall with me clearly free from doubt and the desire to embrace and appreciate her man clearly shone on her face.

First hand experience is overrated… because doing it all doesn't necessarily mean that you feel it all, live it all and figure it all out.
It's important to try new things, but it's even more important to know what you got and know what it is that you should hold on to.

Porto

When I was young, I recall looking out of my bedroom window and wishing to see further than my eye already knew. I wanted to travel and my heart yearned to pack a bag and adventure out to places that I'd only heard of.
People often make the mistake of associating distance to traveling; it is wrongly thought that the further you go, the more you know.
The way I see it, it's not how far you go or what you see but what you experience that defines your journey and traveling expertise.
This time, my trip wasn't all that far. Three hours on the Alpha Pendulum; that’s how long it took me to arrive in Porto and visit the city known for wine and good disposition.
I was told that Dom Pedro fell in love with Porto's charms, I have no difficulty in understanding this; before arriving, I could tell from the architecture and the green surrounding it that the city was built on charm and enchantment.
Perhaps it was the air that was lighter, maybe it was the fact that the traffic was calmer but without a doubt the inhabitants had a light hearted attitude that allowed one to relax and feel welcome.
Closing my eyes, I felt myself being transported back a couple of centuries where ladies and gents hustled and bustled about in the city. Businesses were specified and were built up by reputation. Fishing was making a living instead of a sport and those looking for a coin, shined shoes and carried shopping bags rather than indicate parking spaces.
Change is the only guarantee the future gives you.
And yet, Porto seems to be one of those cities that developed maintaining its roots.
One has merely to look at architecture… The city boasts the Crystal Palace and the Music House: The one has stood the test of time; the other seems to exemplify the future.
Sitting on the margins of the river in Gaia, I considered the one thing that time hasn't touched… Love.
Couples sitting on the margins of the river exchanged looks of tenderness and whispered sweet nothings in each other's ears. No matter how far back I try to imagine, I can still see them playing the same games of love with one another.
Love is a universal language and the culture that stands the test of time.

But my reasons for visiting had little to do with tourism and more to do with an exchange program set up by my company in order to give me the opportunity to get to know another department's ins and outs and obtain a better know how of another piece of the engine that makes our company function.
And although the trip to Porto was the perk of the experience, the truth is that I got more the exchange than I'd expected.
Aside the professional points that are more specific and technically directed to my working interests, what most impressed me has more to do with the people and working environment.
After working in Lisbon for ten months, I'd grown used to the individualistic ambition that comes with living in a big city. At first one's spirits are dampened but after a while, you learn to accept the environment for what it is as one would when integrating in another culture. You adapt. You blend and eventually you forget what it's like to be a part of a different reality.
In our call centre in Porto, I was reminded of the positive side of human nature, achieved when ego is set aside to work for a common purpose.
Teamwork.
Respect.
Comradeship.
People with different perspectives and ideas, interacting with the intent of working as a unit with a common purpose and goal.
Work and play sit on an even scale.
They work hard, but they play with the same zest.
I finally felt what has been missing in the last ten months and I felt like somehow I'd arrived home.
At first we were a bit shy and awkward but after the first jokes were shared, it felt as if I'd known them for years.
There was the calm colleague that reminded me of my yoga teacher, the energetic one with all the cool ideas, there was the jester and joker, the fashion fanatic, the sweet one, the girl next door, the smiley one and the one that ate yoghurt with a Chinese chopstick.

I loved their good humour, their jokes, their accent and the way the men always let the ladies go first… now that’s the kind of good manners that missing in modern days!
I loved their river with it's seven bridges, their clean beaches with ample boardwalk on the side for bikers and joggers and children and people that just wanted to enjoy the scenery,
I enjoyed a francesinha and promised to try the tripas next time I came around.
I love Porto!

A strange wave of melancholy washed over me as I said my goodbyes and sat in the charming train station of Gaia where the floors were still made of wood and the lamp posts of steel and if you ignored modern robes and the vending machine, you could swear you were in another century.
I didn't buy a souvenir; I didn't feel like I had to.
Porto gave me enough of itself to take in my heart with me home.
On the way home we passed Coimbra and I decided that Coimbra is definitely another place on the Portuguese map I'd like to see before adventuring out.

Life is about the journey rather than the destination.

The Odds

What I most love about talking to strangers in the exchange of perspectives and ideas that cultivate understanding or shapes your own.
In a discussion between three colleagues, we debated a theory that I rarely give much thought to.
Homosexuality.
I know what it is, I respect if for what it is and it makes little or no difference to my reality due to the fact that a person's sexual orientation has never affected my relationships.
I've been lucky enough so far to never have fallen in love with a man that's attracted to men. Although in my opinion, the motive of the rejection doesn’t make much difference in its weight.
If anything, I'd say that homosexuality is an easier reason to digest than any other.
In my female perspective, I reckon I'd feel less crushed when told that I wasn't desired due to my sex which I can do little or nothing about rather than the reasons that have the ability to cause doubts and insecurities about myself.

All of this I already considered with the exception of the very point we were debating. In one person’s opinion, it is probably easier for two gay men to attract one another and maintain a relationship than it is for two women. The arguments were:
1. Men have similar interests whilst women's interests are more varied. Two men would have few qualms in watching the same kind of movies or taking up the same sport. Most women can't even agree on the clothes they wear.
2. Men rationalize in a basic and objective way and therefore they don't vary much in opinions permitting an easier flow of communication. Whist women are very individualistic and strong defenders of their ideas.

We discussed more reasons in fine details however they all ended up falling under these two points.
Great!
As if men aren't scarce enough as is those that do exist have a tendency to choose each other. I recalled a documentary on the discovery channel that explained how there's a higher probability of a man being born with homosexual tendencies than a woman.
More bad news! That just narrows down the odds even more!

Facing all this information, a woman might as well fall into desperation if hoping to find a mate (welcome to the modern age crisis!)
At first I thought this was an exaggeration but at this point I'm one of those that have lost hope on finding a decent, single, secure, heterosexual man with similar interests that I'm able to feel the magic with.
Mission Impossible… there are better chances of winning the lottery!
It's searching for the extinct or praying for a miracle.

What does a man really offer more than a woman (forgetting of course the additional physical member which nowadays can be replaced with something that runs on batteries)
Nowadays women are handy with a screwdriver and what we can't do ourselves, we pay someone that can.
Our poor geographic orientation instincts are solved with maps or GPS.
Electric can openers, portable mini drills and instruction manuals… there's a replacement for every male utility you can think of!

Almost…
What I most value from the opposite sex begins with a man's touch, that masculine touch and texture that has no substitution. It can be argued though that a woman has more sensibility and knowledge of the female body to better pleasure another woman. But I wouldn't trade the caress of a man for the caress of a woman in any circuimstance.
Then there's that male scent that no fragrance can imitate. Male perfumes can be sprayed on anyone or anything but there's a scent that is found on a man's neck, between his ear and his hairline that simply can't be fabricated!
And then there's a man's embrace…
No woman, friend or teddy bear can possibly replicated the comfort and security found in the arms of the man you're in love with.
It's heaven on earth when a woman let's go of all her defenses to surrender to the safety and the strength of her man's embrace.
I can't think of a moment when I feel more of a woman that in my man's arms.

But as a colleague of mine one argued: it's an emotional illusion! Like chocolate or ice cream. Everything in enjoying one feels right and healthy but just as men… their destination is your hips!
Is the momentary satisfaction worth the long term delusion?

I wonder…
The more that times passes, the more of certain of life's aspects such as love and healthy relationships seem to sound like fairytales or dinosaurs on the brink of extinction. Hope begins to fade even to those that believe… few people still do.
I've taken use of a colleague of mine’s words when speaking about a decent mate:
“… they exist, I just haven't met one.”

In a crowded restaurant, I dine alone and catch the glances of some good looking men. I sorely notice that Porto woman are more advantaged in relation to good looking men than the Lisbon women.
However, I wonder about how many of men in the restaurant are valid potentials.
Perhaps it's easier and even wiser to turn gay…

However the odds that weigh against or in favour of finding that special person, the way I see it, it's all question of fate and luck rather than of numbers or of scientific explanations.
It's a question of meeting the right kind of person at the right place, at the right time. And that is subjective to every individual regardless of their sexual orientation.
If you've found your partner and you're happy, raise your hands to the sky and consider yourself blessed…
If you haven’t then live your life as best your can on your own and good luck on finding that someone special.

Beach Blues

There are places… corners of heaven on earth where one is meant to feel at peace.
It's these places that people go when they seek out their solace and equilibrium.
For some it's the mountains, other's it's the sea…
Your bedroom, a rooftop, a meadow…
Places you go to listen to your soul.

The ocean…
Powerful… Majestic…
Yet made by single drops of water…
It soothes… It surrounds…
It demands both admiration and respect
And when I feel like my soul is in turmoil;
The waves wash away the noise, calming my heart into hearing its own voice.

Stretching out a towel on the warm sand, I was grateful for the sun's embrace and wondered where my mind was when I considered trading in the warm sunshine for the artificial light of office lamps…
Spreading cream on snow white skin, I prayed for some colour despite the sunscreen I was defending myself with.
I usually only vary between two tones: White and Lobster.
Taking in my surroundings, I smiled at the two girls competing for mum's approval, showing off their cartwheels for anyone that would look.
There were two surfers in the distance waiting for the perfect wave that probably would never come in the stillness that the ocean was in.
There was a man with a heavy duffel bag selling potatoe chips and two towels to my right was a woman with baked brown skin that looked like she camped out on the beach for a living.

With little or no patience to attack the book I was reading, I took deep breaths of the salty air and beseeched my body to relax…
Any minute now…
My muscles would give in to the zen of the atmosphere, melting into the towel below me…
Right about now…
I should feel my body surrender to relaxation...
Sitting upstraight, irritation has the opposite effect
Why can't I relax?!

Opening my eyes, I'm suffocated with the image my eyes soak up…
Blue…
Bright Blue…
Deep Blue…
Infinite Blue…
The ocean, the sky… Blue.
And inside my chest, my heart chokes and drowns in blue.
A tear runs down my right cheek and I get the sensation that had I looked in the mirror, it too would've looked blue.
From the corner of my eye, I spot a plane in the distance with a blue tail.
Air France.
The sight of it should make me happy… and yet…
I felt blue.

Do you believe that when you ignore your heart's will, your soul becomes disturbed?

Mind over matter!
If you focus on what you're trying to avoid, you'll only make it stronger!
Ignoring the accusing cry of a seagull taking flight, I grabbed my book from my duffel bag and lost myself in words and sentences and paragraphs and pages…

Sunset
The final burst of heat and colour before succumbing to darkness.
The end of a day…
Too late for those that didn't grab the opportunity to feel it's warmth…
To early for those that prey off the shadows of the late hour.
One big star gives way to all the little ones…
An ocean of blue gives way to tones of pink, purple, orange and gold….
In moments… all will be dark.
For some it's the end, for other's a beginning.

As the sun went down on my day, I sighed in resolution that all was as it was meant to be.
I wasn't alone… but most importantly, I didn't feel alone.

Inner peace isn't found in the places where God poured out his imagination… the tranquility that one seeks comes within.
You can run in a million directions, arrive at a million destinations and still feel that you haven’t gone far enough…
Because you can't escape what you can't control and the taming of the beast within requires no more than the strength of spirit.

What have you done lately to put your soul at ease?
I'd stay and share my experience… but I'm late for a date with myself on the beach…

Destination: Unimportant

(Photo taken from http://blog.livedoor.jp/yottak)

On every occasion there's a catch phrase that marks that moment forever.
Looking out into the sunset, I was asked a question I'd never been asked before:
“How many kisses have you given? And how many have you taken?”

But before you lose yourself in reminiscing… let me tell you about a day I most certainly will never forget:

I could tell you about the places I saw; Boca do Inferno, Farol Cabo das Rocas, Praia das Maças, Azenhas do Mar, Ericeira and the beautiful scenery to, from and all around these magical places…
But all I would be describing to you is what I saw, and what you see doesn't determine the magic… it's who you're with and how that makes you feel.
You could be standing at heaven's gate and it would mean nothing if you were standing there alone…

Life has a way of turning things around, of taking you places you never thought you'd see, getting you to do things you swore you’d never do and living moments you only dreamed of. While this all adds to the excitement and purpose of life, when it comes to people… the stakes are much higher.
You meet people you never thought existed, get along with characters you thought you’d never understand, fall in love with those that you warn your best friends against and find best friends with the people you thought you’d probably never get close to…

Unlikely friends…

That's what we were just a few months before. Not because of the differences in our personalities or life experiences but due to the circumstances that we met under.
Have you ever met someone, looked them in the eyes and knew that under different circumstances, the nature of your relationship with that person would be totally different?

To trust fate, is to know that life will bring about the opportunity for you to get to know a person at the level you first imagined you could reach.
What you do with that opportunity is your sole responsibility.
Sitting side by side with my new best friend, I was grateful for a higher power that knows better than me and keeps proving me wrong.
I somehow felt more relieved and confident about all my other friendships and future in general…

To look out at the ocean and strain to find the furthest point possible;
To contemplate on the waves and find perfection in each of their movements;
To watch from above the surface of the ocean and to know which current causes it's design.
To look up at a lighthouse and imagine the conversation that two friends would've had a hundred years ago.
To feel the breeze through your hair and not care how it messes it up.
To feel blessed by the heat of the sun on your skin.
To know that no other moment matters.

It felt good to sit on a wall and talk…
Happy Talk…
Sad Talk…
Naughty Talk…
General Talk…
No pressures or judgement,
Just talk and respect.
That’s how you know you've found a best friend.

Did you know that the albatross chooses one mate for life? He migrates and flies the equivalency of traveling around the world and he will come back to only that one mate and no other…
The things you learn with the people you know…
This is why we should choose our friends wisely:
They add the trimmings to the tree we become.

It is one thing to look at a person and imagine all the colours beneath their surface…
It is another thing to watch those colours come out.
It is one thing to trust someone,
It is another thing, to trust them with your heart.
When this happens, you know you've found a best friend.

I could tell you about the walk on the beach,
The country roads we drove on,
The seafood dinner with the exquisite wine
And euphoric feeling of a day well lived
But those are just moments…
That can be recreated and lived by anyone,
What matters most are the feelings,
Because those cannot ever be replicated or fabricated or lived at the same intensity by anyone else but those involved.
Some friendships are forbidden,
Some friendships don't make sense,
Looking at my new best friend’s face, I could tell that I wasn't the only one glad to have taken the chance.
I felt lucky to have found someone that understands me,
And blessed that on a Saturday night, I wasn't alone.

How many kisses have you given?
How many have you taken?

Would a stranger care to ask this question? No
But your friends would… they would want to know how
And you best friend would want to know why.

I wish I could paint a portrait of the places I saw, the beauty I witnessed…
I felt light… and happy… and inspired…
My worries and doubts melted away
My faith revived.
But none of this would I have felt,
If I hadn't a friend to share it with.

Confess or Hide?

Everyone knows that feeling… that churning sensation in your stomach when what you feel for another person causes a strong magnetic pull of your lips to theirs and you realize that you've been caught hook line and sinker!
Now what?
When you're sure of your symptoms and you're in too deep to play cat and mouse?

I sat and listened to a friend confess how she’d found the courage to pull the man of her dreams aside and tell him how she felt about him. Having a girlfriend, the results of such a proclamation were initially doomed for the worst and yet… I couldn't help but smiling as she maturely concluded that despite a few changes in tactic, she would've still proclaimed her sentiments. Heartbreak is nothing compared to living in doubt, at least heartbreak is something you get over. Doubt eats away at you…

This is the advice I'd give my best friend…

And yet… Lately I've questioned if revelation is the best option.
What is the use in telling someone that they touch you ways that they shouldn't because you're not touching them in the same way?
If the object of your affections doesn't feel the way you do, why bother?
Sure, it might help get over them quickly…
But won't you get over them eventually in any case?

So I sound like a coward…
Maybe I am, or maybe I've just hurt enough to want to avoid putting my soul through unnecessary turmoil. Life is hard enough it without your emotions giving you more motives to cry. The way I see it, love involves two souls and so if it's meant to be, something will happen… Why put my heart at risk prematurely? There’s plenty of time for things to get complicated…
And yet… tell that to your heart whose sole desire will is to march up to the man that occupies your thoughts, grab him bye both arms, look him in the eyes and speak directly to his soul saying:
“Tell me that you're feeling this too!”

Some will say that biding ones time is hiding from the inevitable; others will think it a wise tactic which could bring the best results if you give time the chance to bring you closer before revealing your heart's intentions. This is probably the most intelligent of the two options… but I've never been one for tactic and I've opted for my fair share of confessions… none of which I regret, but many of which I wonder of the results had I held on for a better timing.

I value younger people's perspective on such subjects, they seem to have the less screwed up opinion due to a lesser accumulation of bad experiences.
The opinion that I got is that fate would've been the same regardless of the timing. I'm not sure if I agree, but somehow I can't disagree either which brings me back to the blunt truth – it usually gets to the results quicker and in doing so you don't delay the suffering that only snowballs with time.
Not everyone is lucky to overcome the feeling with time… sometimes it's necessary to hear the rejection in audible words in order to break the hope your heart refuses to let go of.

I grow tired of such obstacles… I'm hoping the next time I fall in love, it'll be something less complicated:
I like you, you like me… let's see where things go from here.
Life should be as simple as the feeling… it kills me sometimes that it isn't.
Is this maturity or am I getting old and yellow?

My youthful friend who still stands at the beginning of all beginnings… that yet has many times to invest his heart, many joys and tears to cry and more experiences to gain left me with one last thought: if you keep trying, someday you’ll get it right.

Regardless of the tragic results of my friend’s confession, I'm in awe of her courage. To have opened her heart in order to face what she was feelings. It was something easier done a couple of years ago, and something I'm not sure I'm capable of these days. To tell someone that when they speak, they speak directly to your heart… to give them that kind of access and power over your soul… it takes courage and a strong stomach!
Regardless of how differently things could’ve been done and said – I'm proud of her for the initiative and honestly people seldom have these days.

Love is a universal feeling although felt at different intensities and handled differently by each individual.
Is there a right way to handle your heart – or is there just the best that each of us can do? The wise and the experienced dispense their advice and how we should handle our emotions and yet how certain is their advice?
Advice is the recycling of old mistakes which are painted over to look like new. No one wants to be the fabrication of someone else’s moulding so why not listen to your heart and deal with whatever consequences come with the decisions you make?
If you are going to make a mistake… at least make it an original.
Are you really making the same mistake when you risk opening up to a person? Or with each wrong person you proclaim your love to, are you eliminating the wrongs before finding the right and deserving?
It's so easy to feel disappointed in ourselves and to punish ourselves when we allow ourselves to feel not good enough.
When was honesty ever wrong?

As one of my colleagues said to me today… sometimes taking a step back is the equivalency of taking two steps forward.
Maybe it's best to step forward, perhaps it's time to pause or even the point to surrender… no one can give you the answer; your head only knows what you've taught it and so only your heart can guide you in the right direction.
However way you handle your life, decisions and heart, remember that the only true mistake you can make is to give up.

Is this good advice? I don't know - I'm only sharing what I've learnt so far and I don't always recommend people to try walking in my footsteps. Walk your own.
The only solid advice I can truly give is:
Wear sunscreen.

The Strength of a Man

Recently joking around with two colleagues, I promised one of them that when I went to South Africa I'd bring her back a tall Rugby player.
Being Portuguese, her only complaint is that she’d be too small compared to the extra large Rugby Players that South Africa generally cultivates...
Laughing, I told her that she had to look at the benefits of having a tall man in which one of them was feeling safe in the arms of someone who envelopes you in his embrace.
“Safe?! Men can't even protect themselves let alone protect a woman!” she protested!
With my most serious posture, I reminded her that chickens and ostriches can’t fly but that doesn't make them any less birds than those that do!

It was funny at the time and my argument was that even though I believe that there are true men out there that are capable of embracing and enfolding a woman in love and care, I hadn’t had the privilege of meeting the one.

This wasn't a fair statement.

I've met more than one man worthy of being called a man even if he wasn’t the one I was meant to be with… but that isn’t a confession meant for play time between friends.
It had been quite a while since I'd met one though and I was beginning to lose hope…perhaps they had gone extinct after all, these days it seems that men have forgotten what it means to be a man.

Even though we laughed and goofed around with the topic, I was nonetheless pulled apart by the male present and told not to think that way. Explaining that I was merely joking around, deep down I knew that I’d already begun to lose hope.
And then the day came that our theories were put to the test, and for brief moments, I was reminded again what it feels like to feel safe and protected in a man's arms.

I believe.

I don't normally publish other people's work, instead I take the inspiration from what I see, hear and learn to write my own perspective. Yet I couldn't put the message you've read in the images above in better words. I would've liked to be able to honour these wise sayings with its author. I hope they touch you in the same way they touched me.

Love Always,
Sunshine

Dark Night

Panic…
When someone you love is in trouble and there’s nothing you can do.
It’s like screaming at the top of your lungs against a sound proof wall and knowing no one can hear you. They may even see you but there’s nothing anybody can do.
And when you feel that destiny is not in your hands…
You feel small… impotent and helpless.
Time stops.
The air becomes heavy and hard to breathe and no matter how hard you try and think straight, you can’t stop your head from spinning to the point you feel you’ll either scream or pass out.
Lost… desolate and desperate… I searched my mind for a face that could relieve the stress or tension that I was feeling and I could find none.
I wanted to run,
I needed to hide
But I was motionless, stuck in a moment with no escape.

My dad…
He was all I could think of, the way he would hug and kiss all my hurts away and the fact that I couldn’t provide that loving care in the moment he needed me the most.
I could see his face, feel his pain… but I was too far to even touch him.
Heart Wrenching... Heart Aching… Heart Breaking…
So this is how it feels to have the floor disappear from under your feet…
Worse than the suffocation was the fear of being seen falling apart and so I summoned the strength to get up and make my way to the bathroom. There I was meant to wash my face and find the force of mind to get myself out of the building without being seen…
But before I could leave the corridor…
I heard a voice, and suddenly I didn't want to deal with it on my own.

I tried to say the words but I couldn’t utter them… to hear them was to turn even more real a nightmare I desperate to wake up from.
I sensed two more presences around me but I couldn’t take in what they were saying.
I saw their worried glances; I could see their lips moving…
And even though I wanted to reach out to one of them, I was pulled back the strength of my grief. All I wanted was to see my dad, they couldn’t make that happen.

I don’t recall at which point it was that I got a grip on my senses although I know that the first solid sensation I felt, was a pair of blue eyes pulling me back to the present moment where I finally began seeing options and solutions.
There weren’t many… but there’s always something a person can do… even if it was just pack my suitcase for the worst case scenario.
The strength in an embrace pulled me back from despair and gave me courage to climb the stairs and hope.

Alone… that’s how you feel when things are wrong and you feel helpless.
Because there’s nothing anyone can do, and you don’t want their pity or words of encouragement… they are of no comfort.
There was no one I wanted to see, no one I wanted to talk to... just dad.
All I needed was silence, and someone to hold me.

They say when times are dark, friends are few…
That isn’t true.
I found that I have more friends than I had imagined…
Once the panic passed, I found comfort in the smiles and support of those that care about me.
When you need it the most… God sends you an angel to keep you from falling.
And then a couple more appear to help you back onto your feet.

Thank-You to those who shared with me kind words, smiles and hugs... it was your support that gave me the strength to pull through.

Teacher in Training

One of the quotes that have inspired me lately is: “When you’re looking for solutions, you must be ready for surprises.” (thanks cuz!)

I can’t say that that I was looking for answers, but I sure was trying to make some improvements, mainly in what related to the training I give. I was recently given a few hints on training and I decided that the next class would be as good as any to try them out. What happened though was beyond my expectations.

One hour… that’s the time I’ve got to pass on the necessary information.

The training itself has already been well pre-prepared and it’s not made out to last past the sixty minutes that you have. Sometimes I rush for time, other times I’m left with five or ten minutes to kill… this time however, after all the questions and doubts were answered, I still had a whole thirty five minutes to fill!

Nobody likes to leave early, this means they have to go straight to work and so I needed to come up with something to fill the gap.

To some people, teaching and training come naturally but I confess that deep down I feel small and intimidated in a classroom with fifteen pairs of eyes looking at me. I feel the heavy weight of the responsibility of getting the necessary information across clearly in order for them to do their job correctly and I put in a great amount of effort to get through to them. Preparation is 50% of the work but it didn't foresee a whole thirty five minutes.

Silence… I had gotten that quiet group again that doesn’t like to talk back…

And so… I took the opportunity to do something that has frightened ever since I began working with a sea of faces; I decided to converse with them. As simple as this may sound, it’s not an easy task to keep the attention of 15 people while focusing on one person’s issues. I asked them how the new things were going and what difficulties they were experiencing and so the feedback I got from one wasn’t necessarily to the interest of all and my goal was to maintain everyone’s attention.

One by one, the personal experiences were shared and suddenly people where trading ideas and solutions. I had most of the answers to the questions raised but I decided to throw them back to the group and allow some or other person who knew the answer to shine among his peers… that was another technique I'd learnt and it works!

Eventually, I came across that one person that makes all training sessions difficult… Mr, or in this case… Mrs. Negative.

This particular person is a position where she calls clients for corrections and receives the none-too-happy customer calls. Being in a position like that will teach you to do what clients to best: complain!

She complained about the system and the rules according to the topic we were discussing and I decided not to interrupt her. Once she was finished I took a minute to think about how I was going to respond to her attack and considering that I had time, I saw my window of opportunity to make a difference…

I started off by explaining the root and tip of the particular system so that she could understand why it had been organized as such and why it was the best system available even though I made it clear that any system has space for improvement. I went on to remind her where her suggestions could be fed in and how important they are if she was hoping to make improvements.

With my personal comparisons and odd joke, I managed to keep everyone’s attention while breaking down the girl’s complaint until I finally reached the source of the problem.

I decided to address her position and explained to all how difficult it is to deal with clients, especially those that are none too impressed. No amount of morale can withstand the innumerous complaints and after so much negative feedback, you can’t help but feel a little negative yourself and frustrated when you’re helpless do to more than you can to solve that client’s problem.

At first she looked at me with gratitude that I'd shown some compassion and understanding and continuing my light hearted technique, I decided to give back what I'd learnt with clients over the years.

I suggested that difficult clients are the most fun challenges and that the name of the game is “solve my problem”

I went on to remind them that their role is the most important of all due to the fact that they’re the ones that can link the problem to the solution. The solution might not depend on them, but without them it cannot be found.

A smile is heard over the phone and as a great philosopher once said: “We can defend ourselves from an attack, but we’re defenseless against a compliment”. To counter attack a client is to give him more reasons to complain, but to present solutions to his problem is to disarm him. With this, the whole class began interacting and if felt as if everyone was rearming and restocking for another night’s battle.

I wished everyone a good night’s work as they left the room with a smile on their faces and a positive energy charge. Switching off the overhead projector and the computer, I couldn’t help but smile at myself and I took the time to close my eyes and thank God for the miracle. It’s not always easy to get through and it’s a great feeling of accomplishment when you feel that you have. In twenty years from now, I think I’ll still feel this good if I’ve felt that not only have I done my job but I’ve gotten through. I might’ve made a difference that to some may only last the night, the week or with some luck, the following two weeks. However, I made the difference. And I keep the faith that the positive difference lasts them a lifetime.

Angels Are Hobo’s From The Street.

I sent an e-mail inviting everyone in the hopes that some would make time to join me on a special night to celebrate some of my favourite things: Madeira, bolo do caco and poncha!...
At first everyone was interested and almost everyone said they’d come…
But when pushed came to shove, the number of people decreased to zero.
At first I was hurt, then upset and then I remembered that the only guarantee in life is that people disappoint you sooner or later. Deciding not to let it bother me, I made my way home to change clothes and I'd go to the party on my own with a good mind to have a couple of drinks and maybe even make some new friends.
Distracted with my thoughts, I didn't even realize he was coming towards me until he was right in front of me, blocking my way.
At first I was shocked and took two steps back, his clothes were old and torn and his hair and beard hadn't seen a blade in the time it took to grow a good twenty centimeters.
I told him that I was in a hurry and was about to walk around him when he asked me not be frightened of him.
After getting mugged less than a month ago, common sense demanded that I keep walking but there was something sincere and almost fragile in his voice that made me stop and look straight at him.
“I know I look scruffy and you probably should be scared of me, but please don’t be. I just wanted to warn you that there’s a black man with black clothing walking in this park that has been snatching cellphones and purses and I thought you’d want to be careful considering that you’re walking all alone. There. That’s all I wanted to say, you can go now if you want.”
I had expected to ask me for money, perhaps something to eat but nothing had prepared me for this man’s approach.
Taking a closer look, I noticed his eyes of deep blue with deep lines of sun and age and a touch of tenderness. He reminded me of my grandfather and a very thin Santa Claus.
I put my hand on his skinny arm and thanked him.
He smiled and walked away before I could say anything else.

Change in plans.

I walked into the 24 hour service supermarket and bought a cheese and ham sandwich, a pear juice and an apple and decided that I owed this man dinner.
On a day where everything that could go wrong did, where my friends had disappointed me and where I’d faced more than one act of selfishness… This man had shown me the only act of kindness I'd received all day.
I found the man feeding a dog and putting bread on the floor for the pigeons. I saw the surprise register on his face as I sat next to him on the bench and asked him his name.
“So you’re not in a hurry after all” He said with a smirk
I shook my head bashfully and offered him the plastic bag with my good intentions. I was shocked when he refused to accept my kindness and felt embarrassed for having assumed that he needed my charity. He proceeded to explain that he had enough money to feed himself and that he didn’t roam the streets because he had to. My interested amounted as I realized that there was more to the man than his appearance.

His name is Luis Filipe,
He is 57 years old and when he was my age he had an adventure with a woman he didn’t love to spite the one that he did. She fell pregnant and he became the father of a little girl.
The mother of this child was independent and chose to raise the child on her own, only allowing his presence as an outsider.
He fell in love with this child that grew to be spoilt and mistreated her father and the one woman that treated him with love and respect, his mother, died only four months before. The woman he loved got married to someone else and he dedicated his life to the daughter that never accepted her father.
His daughter who is a selfish brat and yet whom is described with the utmost of love and care, after various mental problems decided to shut her father out six months before.
And so, Luis Filipe roams the streets of Lisbon, between Entrecampos, Campo Pequeno and Praça de Espanha… feeding the pigeons, watching children in the parks and watching families around him. Even though I knew the answer, I asked him in any case, why he’d chosen to stop and warn me.
“You were alone, you remind me of my daughter and I just wanted you to be safe”

I told Luis that if he wasn’t going to accept dinner, then we were going to have to give it to someone who needed it. He told me that the homeless man he knew wasn’t around anymore so I decided to go to the church where I knew another homeless man would be sleeping on the stairs. He asked me how I knew this and was surprised when I told him that sometimes I leave whatever I don’t finish for dinner on the stairs for him to eat when he wakes up. I felt guilty that I hadn’t left anything in a while, but times have been tough and I’ve had to work out a tight budget.
Luis told me that men like the one I left dinner to, often passed out in a drunken stupor and that it was good of me to leave some food rather than give him money, he’d only buy booze in any case and often he went through days without eating a thing.
I asked Luis if he drank and I was surprised when he told me that the only thing he did that I might disapprove of is that he messes with the garbage. He explained to me that people throw away good things that he sometimes made good use of and most importantly, he looked for bread for the pigeons and food for the stray dogs. He also told me that at two restaurants, the employee’s were good enough to separate some of that food for him.

Luis isn’t your average stereotyped hobo! He likes going to the museum on days that it’s for free; he’s present at every public event and he enjoys the free shows and musicals that the city provides for his entertainment. I was surprised to find out that he also goes into the coffee shop at Entrecampos station just to listen when someone plays piano. Luis isn’t a big soccer fan but he’s been watching the recent world cup matches on the different TV screens in pubs and restaurants and hopes Portugal will win. When I asked him what difference it would make to him whether or not Portugal won considering that he wasn’t a sports fan, he simply smiled and said people in the streets are happier and nicer when Portugal wins in the soccer. For a man with no education, he sure knows a lot about the world. I particularly enjoyed listening to his point of view on Fernando Pessoa whose poetry I only recently discovered.

As Luis Filipe walked me home, bystanders would look at me suspiciously. They must’ve found it strange that a young girl would walk side by side a stray man. Did they fear for my safety? It’s not like any of them would do something about it if I were in any real danger…
A security guard near the municipal library stepped in my direction as if to ask if I was being bothered. I felt Luis shrink in a mixture of fear and embarrassment next to me but I gave the security my warmest smile to let him now that my companion’s presence was welcome.
Against my common sense I put myself at risk allowing this man to walk me home, and yet, I don’t believe I’ve ever felt so safe in this city like I did with Luis walking by my side.

Luis surprised me by thanking me for letting him walk and talk with me; we’d spent two hours that more than made up for the whole day’s sour events. He told me that he didn’t have many friends and that even though he hadn’t expected me to have come back, he had thought I was an angel after I had looked in his eyes and touched his arm. Shocked, I touched his arm again and told him that he was as much my angel as I had been his.
I can’t think of a better way to have spent my evening than with Luis Filipe who relieved the weight of my disappointment in others, restoring my faith and renewing my hope.

The more we know, the less we seem to understand. We’re so quick to judge and to label that we don’t even realize when the true opportunities pass us by. Luis owed me nothing, and yet because I reminded him of his daughter, he chose to him me a word of care. I shouldn’t have stopped at night for a stranger, and yet ignoring my good sense to trust my heart started this entry that you’re reading. The smallest gesture can have a world of worth when you add the results up. I probably would’ve never met a friend like Luis in the bar I was headed to… and I’m glad I didn’t go.

Sometimes I fear that Lisbon is a city too cold to find any warmth, tenderness or happiness. And yet, angels like Luis Filipe show me that there’s still a lot of love around and that I’ll always be able to find it if I listen to my heart and keep the faith.

Which Way?!!

After checking all available transportation routes, I mapped out the best route to my destination and hoped that I wouldn’t take any wrong turns or turn offs.
Grabbing my weekend bag and my cellphone, I set off on my journey and went to wait for my bus on Avenida da Liberdade.
That’s when it happened for the first time that day.
A Brazilian gentleman asked me if the next bus would get him to Baixa do Chiado. I smiled and cleared his doubts telling him that I was going in the same direction.
Once I was on the bus, I let the gentlemen have the only open seat and went to middle where I could stand next to the window.
As I looked out at Campo Pequeno, three ladies oohed and aahed in the same direction as I was staring at.
I gave them my sweetest smile as I realized by their accent that the ladies were American tourists. It was the all the opening they needed to begin asking me questions.
After giving them the few facts that I knew about the city, they surprised me by complimenting me as an efficient tour guide. I let them know they were in the wrong bus to their desired destination but suggested they change their route to a visit to Alfama considering that they were looking to get a more soulful experience of the city.
I smiled to the Brazilian gentleman who got off in front of the Praça Dom Pedro and then directed the three American ladies to Electric that would take them to Alfama from Praça do Comércio.
Doing my good deeds for the day I smiled as I made my way to the train station in Cais do Sodré. Whilst buying my ticket, I was startled by a tug in the arm and panicked… until I realized that it wasn’t a mugger and instead a skinny teenager who looked anything by threatening.
Looking insecure and lost she asked me which train would go to Cascais, I smiled and told her that I was headed in the same direction and pointed at the third line. Grateful, she smiled back at me and followed me into the train, taking her seat beside me.
As the train began moving, I began pondering about my role as guide and was shocked when a lady jumped quickly on board in Algés and asked me if this train was to pass through Carcavelos. Shaking off the amusement that once again I had been picked as the guide, I double checked the route above the door and nodded with a smile.
I was rewarded with my fourth smile of gratitude (sixth if you consider that there were three American ladies)

I sighed as I looked out the window and stared at the reflexes that the afternoon sun had on the Tejo River. It occurred me with a certain amount of relieve that I’m not the only one who’s lost in Lisbon and that everyone is on their way somewhere. I spent the rest of the journey imagining the destination of the rest of the passengers.
Were they going to work?
Were they going home?
Perhaps they were going to visit a sick friend… or meeting the love of their lives!... one thing was for sure… most of them were going to be in front of a television watching the soccer game between Portugal and Netherlands within the following half hour!

Getting off the train, I wasn’t expecting anymore guide requests but as I made my way towards the exit I froze with disbelief when once again I was grabbed by the arm. A good looking guy with glasses that gave him an intelligent and sexy look flashed a mouthful of pearly whites and asked me if I knew where he could grab a cab.
How should I know?!
I bit my bottom lip and turned on my heel until I saw the yellow machine that was paid to take you anywhere and then spotted the nearest exit towards it. Just as he was about to leave, I couldn’t resist asking him why he’d picked me to ask for directions.
He just shrugged his shoulders and told me that I looked like someone who knew where she was going.

I laughed at the irony of his answer especially when I realized that I’d gotten off on the wrong side of the terminal.

We don´t always know where we´re going or where we´re headed and yet there are those that believe in us; that have faith in our sense of direction and trust us to point out the way.

Ericeira

So this is it.
I considered taking a photo and bringing it back with me as a souvenir but then I remembered that regardless of the wonderful day I was having, it would only remind me of that which hurts… the link, the source which provided me with its name.
Ericeira.
A town so enchanting that it makes you want to get out the car to walk up and down its streets. A place where people smile at you and the air alone makes you feel welcome.
I felt miserable.
Even the ice cream I ate provided none of the usual comforting pleasure. I sat watching the ocean crash angrily on the rocks ahead of me and I felt the spray of sea salt cool on my skin - as if compare with the ice cold of my spirits.
Ericeira.
Not bothering to try and cheer myself up, I realized that there were places and things in life that were going to hurt no matter which way you choose to look at them.
Looking out into the horizon I pushed back the past and wondered about the future. Life rarely works out the way I plan and on the way I lost so much trust.
In others… in myself…
I’m working on it though, and I’ve been able to mend, repair and recover some of which was lost… maybe these moments are meant to remind me of how far I’ve come.
Ericeira.
I watched the sunset with the friends that had brought me there. Neither were the friend I’d imagined would show me this beautiful place but they were exactly the people whom were meant to bring me here… that’s destiny.
Ericeira.
Do the regrets it reminds me of really matter?
They don’t make the place less beautiful and I’d have to be a fool to allow them to cloud my sight to its beauty and charm. Where and Who I am is far more important than who or where I’d thought I’d be.
As we left the city limits towards Sobreiro and onto Mafra it once again occurred to me how unimportant the destination is in life… The destination is as good as whom you’re traveling with and who is going to share it with you. Give less importance to where you’re going and more value to the journey itself.

Go Ahead... Ask Me!

What do you ask a person when you want to get to know them? A good start is to begin with their name but then what? Do you ask them their age, their occupation, where they went to school and who their friends are?
What information do you need to know in order to conclude that you know a person?

A good friend once taught me that we only know what others are willing to show and share with us (Thanks Xcytex… four years later, it’s still good philosophy!)
And if you’re willing to agree with my friend and I; I once again ask you:
What must a person tell you so what you feel that you truly know them?

I read somewhere that there are no wrong answers… just wrong questions. If you haven’t found the answer you were looking for maybe it’s because you’re asking the wrong questions. Any journalist or detective will tell you that the quality in the information you obtain depends on how effective your questions are.

To ask the right questions… it’s an art only perfected with practice.

Ask not the questions that are answered by the mind, ask instead the questions directed at the soul. To do so is to discover the man behind his intellect.

How does it feel when you do something good?
What do you see when you close your eyes?
How do you like to be taught new things?
Where do you feel most at home?
Who inspires you… what inspires you?
Define freedom in your perspective?
When are you scared?
What is the craziest thing you ever done?
Where is your favourite place to fall asleep?
If you could choose, what would your superpower be?
Why?
Why?
Why?

What makes you tick?... it’s the question behind all the above.
Why?
Because we need to know…
To understand the person inside a body whose physical features can only mirror expression of emotions, but not define the reason behind it.
Because we seek to get closer…
To take in and be a part of…
To connect with another soul is to break the confinements of our own skins.


Two neihbours lived separated by a river and they would wave at each other from afar. They never knew each other’s names because neither ever bothered to get into a boat and row to the other side. To do so would to define them as friends.
When the one died, the other went to his funeral. He had always considered his neihbour anti-social. Beside the fact that he had never came to visit, he wouldn’t wave unless he was waved to. Only then did it occur to him that he had never attempted to visit his neihbour and that perhaps if he’d started crossing the river, his neihbour might’ve met him half way.

Which is your favourite song of all time?
Who do you call when you’re in trouble?
By which phrase do you live by?
What is the best smell on earth?
What can make a difference?
How well do I know you?
How well do you think you know me?

In November it will be five years in which I was hired for a job that wasn’t earned by my credentials, diplomas or experience (none of which I had). It wasn’t by what was written on my poorly translated CV nor had anyone put in a word for me. A few years later, I was shocked to find out that the very answer that I thought had screwed up my interview had in fact earned me the job. What was it?
After asking me for the third time if I thought I was cut out for the job, I answered that I hadn’t packed my bags, leaving everything I know and love and crossed an ocean to fail so if I wasn’t to be a success in his company, then I’d be a success in some other company.

This goes to prove that the answers you seek lie in the questions you ask… Be attentive to what you hear and what you don’t. The first step to wisdom is to be quiet, the second is to listen (Thanks for the contribute couz!)

Most importantly, in doubt or lack of understanding… don’t jump to conclusions:
ASK!

How does it feel?

How does it feel?
To do something good?
How does it make you feel?

Like a four year old tasting ice-cream for the first time…
Like rain on a hot summer’s day…
Like skinny dipping in a crystal clear pool…
Like jumping off the edge…
Like take flight…
Like singing at the top of my lungs…
Like dancing…
Like falling in love.
Joy
Pure Joy!

To be heartbroken is to shadow the light of happiness.
Your smile won’t reach your heart.
The sparkle won’t reach your eyes.
To hurt is to lose what comes naturally to children in each smile and expression of utter glee!

“To feel as light as a feather, to soar above all things with the vision of a bird that looks from up high”

To smile and feel it deep inside your soul…
To make someone smile… to make someone laugh…
Contagious!
It will amplify inside until you feel like your heart will burst with so much joy.
With a kind word, with the smallest gesture…
We hold the power to make every other person happy,
And it turn be happy as well.

Happiness is measures in how happy people are because of you!

And yet, in an age where information is available to all; where emotional intelligence is forwarded by e-mails and shared by friends, we´ve never been so selfish and self-centred.
The human being is truly a strange creature.
We surround ourselves with the things which we think buying will make us happy, we pin the blame on others and then we wonder why we´re so alone.
The people who need our love are those that least deserve it,
Success can be a very lonely place if you have no one to share what you have and know.
And to risk getting stabbed in the back,
To risk being used,
And to risk having your heart broken…

It is to risk being deliriously happy!

Me, Myself & I -The Marriage!

First and Foremost i´d like to thank IceVsFire that managed to beautifully design this picture of my soul... thanks honey, I´d say that if this isn´t exactly what it looks like, then it´s pretty close!
Today I dragged my lazy bum out of bed and had a meaningful conversation with my mirror that involved plenty of Oh-my-God’s accompanied with I-wish’s and emphasized with deep sighs.
After I got off my pity potty, I decided to take a shower and take me out on date!
Damn right!
A gorgeous butterfly like me shouldn’t waddle at home on her day off! Who ever heard of keeping the Sunshine indoors?

First we had to decide which beach to go… We’d done Oeiras already so it was time we adventure to some place new!
After questioning the cutie pie that sold bus tickets, we found out where to catch the desired bus and made our way down to Praça de Espanha.
On the way, we had a serious conversation!

Me and I, I and me!
I decided that the abuse couldn’t go on and if our relationship was going to work; I would just have to stop being so critical of me who in turn had to start being more caring!
As it turns out, we’d been going through a difficult time and stupidly shut each other out!
And that’s how we found it! – Self love.
Isn’t it amazing that no matter how bad I treat myself, I’m always prepared to forgive? Forgiving and loving… from now on I’m going to treat myself better!
Getting onto the bus, we spoke about the things that had brought down our relationship:
Doubt,
Criticism,
But worst of all was Fear!
Fear of loss; Fear of Failure and Fear of Ourselves.

“You screwed up again!”
“No way in hell can you accomplish that!”
“You’ll never be good enough!”
“Damn you’re ugly; no wonder he looks at her instead!”
If I spoke to my friends the way I speak to myself, I reckon I’d end up completely alone!
The idea is not to change my attitude towards others, it’s the attitude towards myself that needs improving! To love oneself isn’t arrogance; it’s humility due to the fact that you learn to accept and love yourself for the good and the bad that you are. Only when you accept your weaknesses, can you help yourself overcome them.

I got off the bus unsure of which direction to go, that didn’t seem to bother me though who wisely followed the dude with the surfboard. Pure joy was breathed in with the salt of the ocean and I was excited just looking at sand which sparkled as if God himself and sprinkled fairy dust on the beach. Me prefers the light that reflects on the waves better. Under the moonlight it would look like a silvery trail to the stars!

As always when the time comes to show some skin, that dark void began to settle in my stomach as I braced myself for that fear of criticism that would follow. I’d look at the paleness of my skin, squeeze the loose skin and bitterly chastise myself for having eaten that second slice of toast with butter…

Instead, I surprised myself with encouragement.
Decided that my new bathing suit made me look even more elegant than the other and suggested a walk to the end of the beach to strut my stuff to the cute surfer boys! One of which rewarded my courage with a whistle… this time, I decided to accept if for the compliment that it was instead of concluding that he was making fun of me.

I and me, me and I!
Walking where the waves crashed at our feet, we reminded each other of some of the best memories we’d lived so far.
We smiled… We laughed… and we SANG not caring who heard us.
We pet some dogs, we helped two girls build a sandcastle and we read to each other from that book we chose at the book fair.
And when it was time to go home… I treated myself to an ice cream, promising that tomorrow I’d make sure I’d help encourage myself stick to a healthy diet.

The day ended with me taking a bath and putting myself to bed! It was the end of the perfect date and a new beginning to a lasting relationship!

Love yourself; you have no need to prove your worth to yourself seeing as you already are the person you should be. You don’t need anyone else’s approval to feel worthy or successful, if you don’t believe in yourself, then no love or support anyone else gives you will ever be enough.

Today I thanked myself for sticking it out with me even when I shut myself out from the world and in turn I promised to be more supportive and easy going.

As for those of you pointing fingers and blaming others for making yourselves feel rotten, me myself and I would like to remind you that:
People only have the importance which you give them and therefore, they can only make you feel rotten if you allow them.
Believe in yourself and nothing anyone says will bring you down.

Sunshine´s logo

Here´s presenting my new logo... and thanking the artist who took time to design it!

What´s your sign

Tell me which house of the zodiac you were born under, and I’ll tell you which your prime character traits are.
Your star sign cannot tell you who you are, but it sure will help understand the pull of your personality.
Sure there are individuals that identify less with their star sign than others… (thank God for individuality!) As I mentioned before, it cannot tell you who you are but it sure gives other’s clues just as your racial ethnicity, your religious upbringing and the neighborhood you were raised in tells a lot about you.
Astrology is perhaps one of the oldest forms of heritage, lineage and psychology. In modern times, the stars are believed to foretell the future. The fact that sometimes what is calculated actually materializes; has built up a cult of believers.
Birth charts are drawn up, compatibility biorhythms are checked and what once was used to measure energy influence, has become a lucrative commerce.
Some will argue that astrology is no more than hogwash that a bunch of bored men invented and that if God wanted our personalities to be defined, he would’ve sent us with a manual… there are those that argue that Astrology is in fact that manual.

Whatever your beliefs are, there’s no denying a general interest or minimal curiosity from anyone you’ve ever met in regards to theirs.

What is your star sign?
Which are your prime reactions… the ones that define your general character?

I’m stubborn,
Independent,
Opinioned,
Proud,
Impatient,
Impulsive,
Courageous

I’m also hard headed,
Brutally direct,
Skeptical,
Leader of the pack,
Critical and did I mention I’m one of the most stubborn people you’ll ever meet?

That’s right, I’m an Aries… and damn proud of it too!
Those who know me will tell you that to have me as a friend, is to have a friend for life. Expect the clean cut truth with little or not sugar coating. I’m tolerant but whatever you do… don’t mess with the people I care about or I’ll make you wish you never met me.

The indecisive Libras are the ones I go on adventures with; I go to Capricorn’s for advice. Leo’s are my shopping advisors and Virgo’s are the ones that tickle my funny bone. Aquarians are the artists that I’ll go to a concert with and Sagittarians are best for theatre, movies and mind games. Pisces are the ones that understand, Cancers are the ones with solutions and fellow Aries are the ones with the strength. Scorpions are the ones with the passion, the ones to drive you to the edge and Gemini’s are the ones that make sure you’re having fun while you’re at it. And then there’s the Taurus’s… stubborn and hard headed, they’re the ones that push you further than you thought possible, lifting your moral and getting you to believe in yourself.

I made a list of all my friends and was surprised to find that through my life, the majority of my friends belonged to the house of Taurus. Two of these are considered my best friends, and immediately my interest peaked.

Why are Taurus’s good friends?
Because a lot like Arians, they like to tell it how it is. Expect a Taurus to be brutally honest and even hurtful when expressing his opinion… and boy do they like to express it! A Taurus can outtalk any sign on the zodiac, never reaching a point where they’ve said it all. In fact… they rarely get to the point! As exhaustive as this may seem, at least you know that with this sign, you’ll find someone who’s willing to share their ideas, knowledge and advice.

Are Taurus’s really intimidating?
The average Taurus makes his/her interest known almost always within the first encounter. Here’s someone that begins everything head first! Don’t be fooled into classifying him as impatient though. The Taurus is anything but impatient! They are known to hold out for as long as it takes to get what they want, persistent and never losing sight of their goals. They merely don’t like delaying the inevitable… however way they feel about you, you’ll probably know straight after meeting them.

So why have I never dated a Taurus?
According my astrology book, a Taurus doesn’t like a mate with a superior intelligence. Due to the fact that they like to talk, they don’t like the idea of having someone around that could correct them. Struck with disbelief, I decided to run the idea past a Taurus I worked with, his answer cleared my doubts:
“I wouldn’t know, I’ve never dated anyone more intelligent than me.”

The hide side!
Have I mentioned that a Taurus is almost as stubborn as an Arian? Add that to possessiveness and you’ll understand why he or she can either be a gift from the heavens or a nightmare from hell. Have you ever tried getting an idea out of a Taurus’s head? How about telling him that he or she is wrong in some or other matter? You better have proof and a hell of a lot of evidence to back yourself up – Taurus’s are born lawyers. Then there’s the drama… Taurus’s are natural actors and they live out every moment as if on an afternoon soapy!

So why bother?
Loyalty… Faithfulness… give your heart and friendship to a Taurus and know that you’ll never be betrayed. Taurus’s are also one of the top 3 signs in sense and sensuality. They’re known for their expertise in romance and passion as they are for the stubbornness; a reputation that they share with Scorpions and Arians. Purely masculine in both planet and meridian, they’ll take you to the stars and back. A Taurus is a mate for life. This is the star sign that holds the lowest divorce rate.

Few people define themselves by their star sign. Astrology lost its credibility somewhere in the newspapers and magazines which use it to entertain desperate people looking for a sign or mystical explanation. And yet… there are those that embrace their astrological heritage.

Did I also forget to mention that arrogance is also an Arian trait and that we hate admitting that when we’re wrong?...
It must be my high sense of Arian justice that causes me to deliver the just respect that the Taurus deserves (Arians keep their promises – I bet you’re surprised that I remembered to write this! Consider this the follow up of my first impression of you.)

I’m not the local astrologer nor do I know enough to describe every sign’s traits. Nor was this column intended that way…
What’s important is not what I believe but rather what you choose to believe.
Regardless of your star sign or beliefs; know your strengths and your weaknesses which make up your personality traits. As Einstein once said:
“Know thyself, only then can you begin to understand how the world works”

Reminded

As I walked through the cold gates, I shivered as I recognized my surroundings.
Selborne.
It must’ve been ten years since the front gate saw me. Walking through the foyer, I let the music lead me into the hall.
It was filled with dancing children covered in bright colours, reflected from the big mirror ball on the ceiling.
Smiling faces.
I knew them… all of them.
They couldn’t see me, but I could see them.
Thank God ski-pants are out of fashion and is that Dr Alban that they’re dancing to? Walking past the long black haired bitch that tormented my primary school years with her sharp tongue and her superiority complex, I stopped to take a better look at my bully. Scrawny and irritating, she was trying really hard to impress those around her and it was clear that with that much effort involved, she wasn’t having any fun.
I was shocked that I was ever intimidated by someone that small.
In fact everything looked so small, I recalled it all feeling so big back then.
I felt old.
Just about ready to skip this dream, it occurred to me that I’d seen everyone except myself. Instinct took my gaze straight to the dance floor, that’s the place I was meant to be. That music; that setting; that was the evening I’d won my first dance competition and showed my worth to my peers. I should be overjoyed and enjoying my new found confidence and self respect. So why wasn’t I on the dance floor?

Is the past exactly the way we remember it?

Walking out into the cold night, I started looking in the places I knew that I was bound to find my junior. I looked on the playground, behind the trees I used to hide. I wasn’t in the jungle gym and I wasn’t in the library. It was a long shot, but I looked by the tennis courts and in the alley between the tuck-shop and Mrs. Weeda’s first grade class. Having only one place left to look, I took a deep breath before facing my younger self.

What do you say to a ten year old with a broken heart?

Now it seems ridiculous to let myself be bothered by the idiot that didn’t want to dance with me… time showed me later that he couldn’t hold up a conversation for longer than five minutes and that his only expertise was taking care of his rats.
That wasn’t all that I’d be crying about…
There were those girls that had made fun of me when I was announced the winner, how do you explain to a child that jealousy makes people nasty?

Swearing, I promised myself to lay off the yoghurts before bedtime and wished my fruitful imagination had blessed me with dreams of Jude Law, Freddy Prinz Jr or that guy that starred in the Need for Speed movies…

Standing outside the bathroom, I decided that the sooner I could deal with my lost memory, the sooner I could back to dreaming of the good stuff… and so I closed my eyes and tried to remember what it was like to be on the other side of that door.
I knew what was she was thinking, I knew how she felt and I knew exactly what she was telling herself.
She was wondering what the hell she was doing in a bathroom by herself, why her friends weren’t with her and why on earth she’d risked dancing when she only made a fool of herself.
She wished she hadn’t ran out crying of the disco like that, she wished she’d stayed at home and she wished her parents had stayed in Portugal instead of making her move out there to a place where she was an outsider, where she didn’t fit in.
She hated her reflection, she wished she was thinner, she wished she was taller and she wished she was prettier. The tears would be running down as she gripped onto the cold sink in rage.
I walked in as she buried her face into the cold water and I could hear her words as she told herself the same sentence I’ve been telling myself for twenty four years:
“you’re gonna be okay, just hang on a little longer and you’ll be just fine.”
She caught my image in the mirror and turned around to stare me right in the eyes.

I stood frozen.
Anger seeped through my veins with the incredible urge to scream and tear apart every being that ever caused me to doubt myself.
But it wouldn’t help this child in front of me that waited on my very word.
Do I apologize?
For what?
For being weak?
For not standing up for myself?
For thinking everything was my fault?
Apologies did me no good, nor would promises of better days that I knew wouldn’t come.
Helpless to help myself, powerless to ease my own pain…
I fell to my knees in front a sad child and wept.
I cried for her, I cried for myself and for every tear we both still have to cry.
Vulnerable and small in the face of small child that found the courage to approach me, take me into an embrace and run her chubby hands through my hair. Taking my face into her hands with practiced ease, she smiled sweetly and repeated the words I know all too well:
“Don’t worry, you’re going to be just fine.”

I sighed as the light spilled warmth into my room from the sun’s first rays. Isn’t it wonderful how everything looks right in the morning? From the speed of dawn, I could tell that it’s going to be a beautiful day.
Looking into the mirror, only the dark patches under my eyes stand evidence to a harsh night… nothing a hot bath and some make up can’t fix and I smile at how easy it is to brush off a rough night.
Staring back at me, a familiar face smiles back with a knowing look that tells me, that everything is going to be, just fine.

Heartbroken

He accused her of only writing sad things,
He was right.
She can think of a million and one happy thoughts, but few reach her soul.
It’s been months since her heart has genuinely smiled.
And even though she’s at peace, something remains broken…
Some things can’t be fixed.
Maybe it was never whole…
Maybe she’s just not good at fooling herself anymore.

But you couldn’t tell it from looking at her…
Her eyes still shine,
The warmth in her face will sooth you
Her touch will reach out to you
She’ll save you… but you can’t save her.

The book fair…
Once a year when some of my favourite things are put together in one big field:
Books,
Music,
Grass,
Children,
Ice cream and even the dogs made it!

To be pulled it by the different titles, captivated by pages of timeless stories and imagination… she walked from stall to stall in absolute glee.
She smiled at the couples, winked at the kids and pet the dogs.
She was happy.
She’d write about that… about that moment, how wonderful her day had been, what it meant to her and how happy it had her feel.

But then the evening came… and with it the darkness
And in the moonlight, the sun didn’t shine.

She wants to believe.
That there are more like him, like the eyes that saw through to her inside a poor lit Fiat.
How many heartbreaks had he gone through to be given the gift of inner sight?
Those who look and see beyond the cover…
“Am I transparent?”
No… he can see because he wants to, because he can…
And even so… the barrier remains.
He mistakens the light for hope.
She knows better.

Where Ice makes love to Fire and self pity is a non existent state of mind, a stubborn Taurus contemplates the new age crisis: Ladies wearing the pants and men subduing to the once-thought-of as the weaker sex.
Men either turn gay or weeping housemaids… and women…
They’ve become the independent species that neither need nor wants a man for longer than it takes to satisfy their sexual appetites.
Reverse of roles?
For those who so choose…

I’m one of those…
Stubborn, independent, opinioned and self sufficient.
I don’t require a partner that isn’t able to push as far as I do…
I can’t see any that can.
I’m demanding and I’m worth it.
So I’m alone, hard to catch, impossible to keep…
I won’t change due to the fact that I like myself exactly the way I am.

She stares at him at a distance and lets her mind wander…
Is there a man inside that body that towers over her when he stands close?
Are those arms strong enough to hold a woman; protect her and keep her safe?
Can he listen as well as he talks?
Does he know when to push?
Or when to be quiet and still?
Can he say “I love you”?
Can he show it?
Would he know the moment that she placed her heart in his hands?
Could he find it there in her eyes?
She sighed before pulling in the reigns…
Because he couldn’t see through
He couldn’t see her in a skirt because she’d never worn one… she never would.
He’d never know her thoughts…
He’d have to want to…
That wasn’t going to happen.
Relief.

The music is no longer romantic,
The romances replaces with fiction,
She avoids the daydreams and censures the imagination…
And yet…
She can’t fix what is broken…
And the joy she pours in is never enough to fill the emptiness.
She keeps her mind busy
To be left alone with her thoughts is to open the door to sadness
She meditates,
And in her centre she finally finds the exhaustion that takes her to sleep at 4am dragging her through dreams she can’t escape and the slumber she doesn’t want to get up from.

Speak to her.
What will you tell her?
Nothing you say will make the difference.
She knows this.
And when you regret the cruelty of bittersweet irony
That shatters your faith and kills your hope…
Just as you’re about to given in to darkness and desolation...
She’ll smile at you knowingly… and you’ll feel better
You’ll remember that she can take care of herself
And you’ll smile back with relief.

To Forgive is Divine

Sometime in life, we’re taught to plan ahead. We organize our days, we schedule our vacations, we budget our finances and overall, we’re working for our future.
As wise and necessary as planning may be, when does it all become too much?
We compose speeches, proof read our e-mails and draw up a plan B in case our original plans fail.
We lose faith in ourselves and our spontaneity and sooner or later every step we take feels calculated and superficial.
The silent disease we all suffer from of the new age is: thinking too much.
Women were already known for this phenomenon but lately it seems to affect anyone with a conscience;
Because we want to do things right;
Because we don’t want to make mistakes.

We read books, surf the net and see shrinks in search of the answers that will perfect our way of thinking. The individual way of life has been lost to the “right” way of life defined by society. We seek people that think the same way and we end up falling into peer groups with those that share the same beliefs.

In my quest for all the answers, I’ve come to but one:
There’s my perspective and there’s everyone else’s perspective and the truth is somewhere in between.
The right or wrong is defined by the perspective by which you choose to see things by. And therefore, the correct answer becomes relative and perfection unattainable unless you can satisfy every point of view.

One of the most important career lessons I learnt was taught to me by my first employer when I screwed up a third time that week. Instead of being reprimanded, I was told with a smile that only those that don’t work don’t make mistakes.
Dumbfounded, I went home and meditated on the subject only coming to the conclusion that his screws were looser than I thought.
It only dawned on me later in life when a lazy colleague of mine that did very little got promoted, that his promotion was based on the fact that he made few mistakes. He made few mistakes because he did very little work. It also occurred me that if I didn’t try and risk making mistakes, I’d never gain the experience I needed to gain the knowledge I seeked.

Experience… it can’t be bought or taught.
You may look at a cherry and know that it’ll be juicy by the colour and texture of its skin. Its size, roundness and firmness may add to your suspicions and its sweet smell may convince you to bet on it… but what good is this knowledge if you don’t take a bite? If you don’t gently pull it off its stem with your lips and sink your teeth into its middle. To feel the juice spill onto your taste buds that sends the message to your eyes to shut on its way to your brain that savours the moment and spreads the pleasure through your body, right down to your toes.
That’s experience.

A wise man said: seek not the man with the knowledge; instead seek the man with experience.

The most fruitless activity known by man is worrying, it resolves nothing. We waste a great percentage of our thoughts, trying to control future moments that we may not even get to live… all in the name of doing things right. We try to program our minds and feelings as easily as we organize our day and then torture ourselves when things don’t work out the way we plan.

A cowboy walked past me today as I imagined he would, sooner or later.
I could tell you how I’d planned on feeling,
I can tell you what I told myself I was feeling.
And then there’s how I felt.

Knowledge can never fully prepare you for the impact of the experience of the moment.

Last week I was hard on myself for having made a mistake. My friends were kind enough to share their comments with me and thanks to their perspectives, I altered mine. Perhaps I didn’t learn the lesson I was supposed to the first time around, perhaps the same situation was meant to teach me a different lesson. Which ever the reason which lead me to make the same mistake twice (third time round to be exact), I’m proud of the intention behind it and I’m ready to try again. Maybe I’ll make the same mistake a fourth time, or maybe I’ll get it right this time and the mistake will only have been in the timing… either way, I won’t find out unless I try to look at it from another angle, and take the risk again.

Nothing shows forgiveness like giving it another chance.

Here We Go Again...

To learn from one’s mistake,
To learn from other’s mistakes…
No matter how quickly you learn,
No matter how good a student you may be,
There are days you feel like a total idiot.

To err is human,
To make the same mistake twice is foolish distraction,
To commit the same mistake a third time is insane stupidity.

To take the risk…
To risk it all…
An act of blind faith on a whim of the heart.
Because there’s always that possibility…
Because it’s the dream that drives you…
And not trying seems a bigger failure.

Anger,
Shame,
Regret,
The consequences to a failed attempt.

It doesn’t only hurt because you failed…
It burns because you knew better…
Because somewhere along the line you made that mistake before…
Because you shouldn’t have risked it again.

To trust,
To yield,
To depend on someone’s will that’s not your own.
Disappointment guaranteed.

When all fails and everything is destroyed,
There’s always starting at the beginning,
Where you learn to trust yourself
And promise yourself not repeat past mistakes.