Evening Date

Photosource: Judi

I closed the door and took a deep breath.
Nervous… from anticipation… from having waited all day for that moment…
Knowing that the moment was now finally mine; my body began to relax as I took my sweet time taking my clothes off.
I unbuttoned my sweater and slowly pealed each garment off my body, piece by piece.
Time to turn on the heat…
Pausing briefly, I admired my pale skin in the mirror and decided that this summer I'd have to invest time under the sun.
Taking one last deep breath, I braced myself before surrendering entirely to the impulse…

I love taking a shower…
It's the one moment of the day I can block the world out and take full acknowledgement of myself.
The moment of the day I attend to my needs, to the cleanliness of my body… heart and soul.
To feel the warmth seep into my skin… unknotting the tension… caressing my body…
I close my eyes and feel every muscle loosen… relax… unwind…
The sweet shiver as my fingers massage my scalp…
That heavenly shampoo aroma…
Soap bubble whispers in my ears…
I take my time with the sponge, traveling down and around every contour…
Until I reach my toes… by then my body is covered in a sweet smelling lather.
I love the way my naked body feels all soaped up…
Sweet… vulnerable… all woman.
Closing my eyes… I submerge under the shower…
I love the way the water flows…
The feel of it… as it travels down my body…
It's touch… it's warm kiss…
The way it envelopes me.
And when it stops…
I love the feel of the steam rising from my body.

I write his name on misty tiles
Before wrapping myself in a big towel and drying all evidence of my affair…
drop by drop.
Until tomorrow…

The Singles

Photosource: Serija

For those of you who have never played the computer game “Singles” I recommend it! It's a game that helps you realize that it's a lot easier to get laid than to build a strong relationship.

But the game isn't what inspired this post. Correction… My inspiration didn't come from the virtual game but the daily one we all seem to be unconsciously playing.
Shooting Cupid earned me really good feedback and motivated ideas that encouraged the following post: Na pele do Outro

For those of you who can't read Portuguese; the general idea can be summarized into the following:
There are four types of single guys:

The happy bloke: Hasn't had a girlfriend in a long time but isn't particularly bothered by it considering he has a lot of other activities to fill his time with (namely work)

The desperate dude: Women immediately pick up on his desperation and send him packing. The vicious cycle continues until either he falls into another category or falls out the single category (the least frequent of results).

The unresigned: This guy is only sad because he doesn't like to be alone but he makes the effort to go out and meet new people. This guy is more selective in his choice of women.

And lastly:

The seducer: Women respond better to these guys but unfortunately he's not willing to give up his life of freedom.

I don't think I've ever bothered to catalogue the singles nor do I feel the temptation to attempt such an act… the way I see it, most singles are single because they're too busy working out their prerequisites on the partner they want than to actually bother to get to know the people around them.
It's a selfish era… so selfish that people wait want to be fought for but don't fight for that and those they care about.

What’s my excuse?
I'd say if I had to be catalogued I'd fall under the happily unresigned. On most days I'm happy on my own but there are days such as Valentine’s, engagement parties and couple’s outings that made me wish there was someone I was sharing my moments with. As I once said before, I won't settle for just anyone just to be with someone. I'd rather be alone than to be with someone who's just there for convenience’s sake.
Call me demanding, I'm only asking for what I'm able and willing to give in return and if that's asking for a lot then it's because I'm worth a lot.

From single men to single women… are there significant changes?
Instead of cataloguing women, he merely mentioned the bold and ugly. The “ugly” can always do something to their image and self-esteem (Couldn't agree with you more! As I always say; there's no such thing as ugly women… only poor women!).
The bold AKA intelligent and beautiful, have been hit on so much that they've become super selective. The shy guys don't bother to come close and the only one's who get ahead are the seducers.
My opinion to that is that a shy guy intelligent enough to make a move normally doesn't end off single. No woman wants a man that won't put in the effort to be with her; shy guys aren’t truly waiting for the woman to make the move are they?
And as for the seducers… let's just say that most women don't like to be alone, as a friend of mine once said “whilst waiting for the right one, you might as well have fun with all the wrong ones”. You'll notice that the seducer doesn’t get through the door though and that the woman will intelligently reserve that place for someone that's worth it.

It's easy to generalize but the truth is that everyone has their own reasons for being single, it's not a disease you suffer from and rather an intelligent choice for those who don't couple off just for the sake of mating, social stature or singlephobia.

Whatever you status is… make sure you feel comfortable in your own shoes; you never know when that status will change. Allow it to be a choice of fate and not one of resignation.
I'm a hopeless romantic single who's stated her case.

Golden Arrow Aim Award

Photosource: www.fireworks.com

Working in quality I've learnt an important lesson:
Don't only focus on what went wrong.
Cupid may need practice but it doesn't mean the little brat is incompetent; in some cases he can be pretty good at what he does (otherwise someone would've fired him by now!)
And this year’s Golden Arrow Aim Award goes to…

The Three Hour Drive

Worse than having Cupid fail on Valentine’s Day is the phone calls from your friends which he came through for, this call though managed to restore my faith in Cupid’s potential.
Shortly after midnight I got the call that earned the award. Not only do I consider this story to be worth the award, I'm mostly chuffed about the two people that it involved.
Cupid… you still manage to get some things right!
So what happened?
A certain someone took the day off and a three hour drive just to surprise and spend the day with his Valentine. He didn't get the roses but he scored with the following winning phrase:
“The trip down here is worth seeing the smile on your face”

Who wouldn't want to spend the special day with someone who truly wants to spend it with you?!
Someone who had a 6am shift the following morning and yet stayed until midnight.

Impressed! So much so that I couldn't resist sending Mr. Valentine a sms to inform him that he'd just gone up 50 points in my books!

While I'm the first to agree that Valentine’s has become a commercialized day and that any other day is a good day to surprise someone you love… the truth of the matter is that I agree with any excuse to create a special moment be on whichever day of the year.

I shot him again!!!

Imagesource: Unknown

On the shittiest day of the year (excuse my french), I always try to assassinate the concept with a smile and a prayer that the twenty four hours fly by in a blink…
And before all of you give me that “it’s a commercialized day, it’s a day like any other”… don’t!... It’s a damn good excuse to tell someone you love them even if they already know; to show them you care; to give wings to your imagination…
The same way Jews don’t care about Christmas, I respect those that don’t pay attention to Valentines… however, please do not try enforce your religion on those that do unless you want the same kind of results in Jerusalem!

Anyways…
Back to the start of my day…
I unfortunately didn’t wake up with the wild contagious rash that I asked for in order to skip work (one of my colleagues did though which makes me seriously worry about the angel administration upstairs… God needs to hire Quality Managers to control prayer processing – I reckon it’s become as bad as the Portuguese political system…
As I was saying; I looked out the window to a beautiful day and cursed Saint Peter for getting into the Valentine’s spirit…
Deciding that the day was much too beautiful to be moody, I decided to straighten my hair and put on a dress for the first time in seven years…
It’s not that I don’t like dresses… it’s just that I don’t like them on me…
They make me feel… girly…
Considering the option was “it’s now or never” I thought… screw it! No one’s paying attention anyway and I wore a dress for the first time since high school uniform...

Things were going great until a colleague of mine decided to show me her wedding photos...
Desperate times call for desperate measures!
I bought a slab of chocolate and all the connotations that go with it and then I bought pink daisies for the people that make my life bearable and that had the misfortune of having to put up with me through the day…
Ironically I found out that besides Valentines Day it’s also Sexual Dysfunction day… No comments!

It’s almost midnight and for the first time during today I’m feeling sad…
Someone upstairs must’ve lost the miracle request I’ve been resending all day…
In fact, they screwed up so that Cupid was downright cruel...
So I shot the bastard again this year...
It’s the yearly Valentine’s competition to see which of the two of us shoot each other first.
So far I’m undefeated, he hasn’t gotten me once!
Oh well… there’s always next year.

Midnight Walk

Photosource: Alfred Stieglitz

I recently told someone that when the sun stops shining he should dance in the rain.
The sun can't shine all the time…
Neither will the grey clouds last out forever.
Little did I know that only hours afterwards, I'd be taking my own advice.

I can't sleep.
My mind plagues me with the thoughts I avoid within dreams I can't control.
Dreams too real… too intense…
The exhausting kind.
And so I avoid closing my eyes
I avoid the place where I lay my head down to sleep
And when the time comes to climb up the stairs onto the second floor… I pump up the volume on my Ipod and we take each other for the midnight walk.

My midnight walks have become a nightly routine.
I love Lisbon at midnight…
She's like a mother that embraces her children at a vulnerable hour;
She protects the prostitute on the corner,
Kisses goodbye the faithful from the church after late mass,
She accompanies the old man walking his Great Dane…
Listens attentively to the two students discussing the abortion referendum underneath the pale light from the lamppost.
She watches the foreigner…
Walking past the gas station with the orange fluorescent lights;
The nursery school with the empty swings;
The church with the cold cement;
Macdonalds… There just seems to be one everywhere!

I contemplated my successes of the day:
Today I made someone smile…
Today I made someone laugh…
Today I made someone feel special…
Today I restored someone's faith in themselves…
I told my little brother that I loved him… I told my dad the same and sent my mom a message telling her I miss her.
Today I hugged a friend…

Tonight… I can't sleep.

Time to go… home.
With my Ipod on my left and time on my right, I turned towards the place I'd once again spend the night tossing and turning…
That's when I felt it…
It wasn't rain…
It wasn't drizzle…
It was the delicate touch of dew…
On my face, in my hair… on my lips…
Like a gentle kiss from the heavens…
The kind that causes that tingling feeling of absolute satisfaction.
Taking a deep breath and my sweet time down the road;
I once again realized that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be.

Wet and content;
I lay my head down to a peaceful sleep that lasted through to the morning.

Michael Buble - Home

Have you ever been chased by a song?
The kind you can’t get out of your head…
It enters your system in a defining moment and holds onto you long after the moment has passed.
After a period where my emotions went through a rollercoaster of confusion, I thanked the good Lord for the moment when things finally made sense and I knew exactly where I was standing, where I’d come from and where I wanted to go.
Wrapping myself in a cocoon of blankets, I looked up at the cupboard where my suitcase lies and that’s when I heard it for the first time…
That song that’s been following me for days…
The song that plays whenever I take a deep breath to quiet my spirit…
It has nothing and everything to do with me,
I catch myself singing the chorus when I’m distracted.
Somewhere in my subconscious, it speaks to me although the only words I’m able to process is:
“I want to go home… Please let me go home”

I’m neither sad nor depressed nor lonely…
It’s just the song my head…
The one that follows me wherever I go…
The song of the moment.

Girl´s Day Out

Photosource: Shannah Carromba

After a particularly rough start to the weekend, my only desire was to take the next plane to that special place in Parque Santa Catarina where I can sit and watch the ships come in.
Unfortunately, my bank account doesn't permit me that luxury and since it wasn't my week to benefit from the Euromillions, I did the next best thing…
I had a day out with the girls… (not forgetting the man)… and the bodyguard brother

There are three musts on a day out with the girls:
Loud Music
Camera and…
Spot the Cutie.

Singing in the car with your friends is one of those things in life that is almost as good as sex!... You release all the pent up stress along with all the blocked energy and evoke the freedom to let your spirit loose!

Photos are a must!
The best pictures you find in your albums are those on days that you go crazy with your friends… on days like these; your soul shines through no matter which angle you take the picture from.
I didn't forget the spare batteries this time (yeah, yeah, I know you guys are still laughing at my Portuguese pronunciation of that one)… but I need to make a mental note NOT to leave them in the car!

Spot the Cutie is game all ladies play… though it’s a lot more fun when played in a group! Normally it's a game best played discreetly... However, the challenge in playing it in a group is to take a proper look!
There were was a red jersey with a really good view from behind and a photographer whose big canon made us want to send out an S.O.S saying “I didn't read the instruction manual, won't you teach me to work this thing”.
Five minutes later the seat next to him was taken which simultaneously caused three “Awws” and one roll of the eyes followed by “women!”
We also saw a sexy convertible and a bad black bike worth noting; however those fell under the: “I'm not looking at you, I'm looking at your machine” category.

As I looked through the photos I took today I recalled a recent post my cousin published about awareness… About seeing things opposed to just looking at them.
The way you see things is your exclusive choice… your responsibility…
I choose to keep looking at things sunny side up.

Still Learning

Photosource: www.fallenangel.net

I recently read a blog with a post about disappointment in which the writer started off by saying that disappointment is inevitable but that making that same mistake twice is just plain pathetic. Idiots like that should just learn… he ended off by telling them that he too was still trying…

One could be forgiven for misreading the signs, after all, not every Jerk; Asshole and Loser come with a warning.
However you have to be a real moron to trust a guy when he himself tells you: “I'm not a nice guy”
Idiots that want to believe wholeheartedly in someone's potential and the best they have to give really should live in another dimension:

Those talks and smiles weren’t attempts to be “nice”, it was the tactic to screw you over… there are idiots who fall for this time and again.
There's no such thing as “nice” in 2007, it’s an outdated word from the past substituted with the modern reality called “convenience”.

Hope is hard to kill…I wish the bitch would just die!
Everybody’s gotta learn sometime right?
That's what us idiots hang on to.

Getting a Grip

Photosource: Betsy Cameron

Beware the fury of the patient woman. – Confucius -

I don’t consider myself to be the most patient person in the world, but when it comes to work I manage to exercise a great amount of patience and calm that often surprises even me.
Pressure, stress… I can handle it well; but injustice is something that will have me climbing walls!
Usually a quick run to the 11th floor and back manages to cool me off, by the time I´m back down on the 3rd floor things are normally in neutral perspective…
But today… none of that helped.
No amount of breathing or thoughts of Zen helped;
I lost my temper!

I lost it and then I felt guilty for losing it…
Then I felt irritated that I felt guilty for rightfully losing it…
Then I once again felt guilty for losing it and for getting irritated, even more irritated for letting it affect me that much…
My sharp remarks and foul mood was felt all day and I finally got the courage to tell a certain account manageress to take a Xanax and relax (Portuguese version of Prozac)
(I’ll admit… that one felt good!)
I felt guilty for the things I said; I felt guilty for the things I didn’t say
I spent the rest of the day miserable.

Knowing you did the right thing doesn’t always console your conscience.

Often in my life I wish I reacted or done things differently but I comfort myself with the fact that in each and every one of those times, I did the best I know how.
This knowledge was doing very little to lighten my spirits and by the end of the night I felt exhausted from the instability I’d created in my mind due to contradictory thoughts.

The touch of a warm hand on my shoulder and the smile of a friendly face at the end of the night is what finally brought me peace of mind.
Without me having to say a word, the person deciphered the inner conflict projected on my face and took the initiative of sharing an opinion and encouraging the basis of my actions.
There’s incalculable power in the understanding of another person.
Even if that person hadn’t agreed with me, the fact that we both came to the conclusion that I’d done the best that I could was the relief I’d been searching for all day…
No amount of stair climbing could’ve had the same effect.

I’m blessed.
Even though I live in one of the most selfish and self-centered eras and cities I still manage to meet and befriend the most amazing people.
Special people that touch your heart in ways you never expected and give meaning to your existence.
People that with the smallest word of understanding, rescue you from yourself.
I’m deeply grateful for that smallest touch that reminded me that we’re all part of something bigger than we are.

I can’t promise perfect decisions, but I can promise the best ones that I’m capable of… and that’s enough to make me worthy of the position I earned.

Obrigada

Moonlight Confessions

Picturesource: Unknown

I stare at a full moon and ponder the thoughts that keep me awake…
I recall that most of the past moments in which I contemplated the moon this full were restless… unstable and often intense.
Tonight I don't feel any of those things…
I stare at an empty sky where the moon stares back at me on his lonesome and I couldn't be calmer.
Tonight Sunshine and Moonlight keep each other company.

I could swear the moon is smiling at me!
I smile back.

The alchemist came past me today and blew me with a handful of magical sands.
Time stood still and I was permitted to play in my dreams.
He led me through a diamond sky to a calm lake lit to life by the full moon.
Removing the clothes bound to my body, I slid into the cool waters of the lake and let go…
I let go of my thoughts…
Set free my mind, my heart and my spirit.
And as I did so…I smiled and giggled and loved wholeheartedly.
The moment is mine.
I floated upon the water and whispered my secrets to the moon.
He smiled knowingly as he listened carefully to my confessions and to my hearts deepest desires… recording each word to play back to me on another night.

I stepped out the lake and began combing my hair when I noticed the reflection.
At first I thought the moon was merely dancing upon the water,
Enchanted, I was drawn by the magical reflections until I realized that I was staring at a face that wasn't my own.
When I asked the moon why this was so, he answered:
“Only those that do not love see their own reflection”

A woman's heart is as wide and as deep as the ocean…
A lifetime isn't enough to discover all its secrets.
The moon knows… but the moon will never tell.

I left a kiss on the pale face of the full moon and bid him sweet dreams.
He enveloped me in pale light where I slept until the morning.
Morning awaits me as so does the alchemist to take me back to my bed where my body awaits to be stretched.
As my eyes flutter open, they're accompanied by a smile from an evening well spent.

If Sunshine had it her way, every night would be a full moon.

Everybody is Free (to wear sunscreen)

I found this video whilst cleaning out old e-mails... I first heard it in highschool whilst studying Baz Luhrmann´s work. (Those who don´t know him really should, the man is a genius!)
I´ve heard it a couple of times over the years since then and it always seems to have the same effect on me: it pulls me to my feet when I feel that I can no longer stand on my own.
The last person to send me this video was a colleague who certainly has been there for me through all kind of weather... (Thank-You)... she sent it to me after I made one of those monumental mistakes that rips you apart to your foundations.
The beauty of starting from scratch is the oportunity to build a stronger structure...
Today I didn´t particularly need to hear the song, but i´ve kept it knowing that every now and then... I need to be reminded of Baz´s brilliant advice.
I posted it for anyone that may need it...

Justice for Daddy

You know the country you live in is wired wrong when a judge sentences a father to six years of prison for protecting his little girl from what would certainly be the tragedy of her life… who gives these kind of people the power of judgement? Not only should he be fired as well as publicly flogged for inhumanity and utter stupidity!

The little girl who is now six years old, was given to the couple to adopt and raise by her biological mother at three months of age. The biological mother, who at the time had no conditions in which to raise the child, when asked about the biological father responded that he wasn't the kind of man fit to raise a child. So much so, that only now… six years later, the biological father appears and not only does he want to claim the child he barely knows, he also insists on a handsome sum of money for all the “psychological damage” caused upon him.

Are you kidding me?!

Any idiot can see that the man is using a child for a fat cheque. As if the fact that he screwed the child’s biological mother gives him the right to paternity!
As much as this makes my blood boil; I can understand that there’ll always be some asshole willing to sell his mother (or in this case, his daughter) to make a quick buck but what I can't accept is that some low life idiot who's job is to protect the innocent, give the little girl's father (yes because in my books, it is the man who raises the child who has right to this title… any imbecile can donate sperm!) a six year sentence for kidnapping.
Kidnapping?!! You call protecting his family a crime?!!
Crime is ripping a child from the arms of the man she lovingly calls “daddy”.

While it’s true that destiny often showers colours upon the blind (or as they say in Portuguese, give nuts to those who have no teeth), it doesn't mean that just because a man donates his sperm or a woman donates her womb, that their DNA automatically gives them rights over a child.
The parent is the one that teaches them right from wrong; their ABC´s; carries them on their shoulder and takes them shopping.
The parent is the one that rubs their tummies when they're sick, tucks them in at night and knows where they're most ticklish, their favourite colour, their favourite toy…
A parent is the person who prefers to go to jail for six years rather than have his little girl be raised by some pompous ass who doesn't know the first thing about being a real father!

For those of you who’d like to lend a hand, click on the title of this entry or copy the following link into your internet browser:

http://www.petitiononline.com/gomes5/petition.html

So far, 10 000 people have already signed a petition for his freedom.

I'm in favour of castration! It should be illegal for some people to be allowed to reproduce!
"Father" and "Mother" are titles earned, not inherited.

Music in Motion Awareness!

If you own an I-Pod, an Mp3 player… in fact if you own any gadget that allows you to listen to music whilst in movement… this is particularly for you!

What better invention that the one that allows you to listen to your favourite music whilst getting to and from places?
In the train, metro or bus you block out the sound of the city with the rhythm that entertains your soul and sets your mood…
To many, it is the gift that keeps on giving…

HOWEVER! The following consequences must be taken into consideration!

Due to the fact that your ears are in tune with your tunes; you no longer hear the cars and people that pass you by. This includes sensing when someone is walking behind you.
Which means if any cute guys whistle or hoot at you, you're gonna miss the opportunity of meeting the man of your dreams!

And if this isn't a high enough risk; you also have a high probability of making a total ass of yourself!

Here I was walking home on an empty street when the Madonna’s “Sorry” took me over! The volume at which I was hearing the song made me lose conscience of the fact that I was singing.
If that weren’t bad enough, the quality of the sound was so that it felt perfectly natural to dance as if I were on a dancefloor and so in addition to my singing… I danced.

It would've all been good if I'd made it home without noticing the three fluorescent yellow vests applauding my performance.
I'm sure it gave the garbage man something very interesting to write in his blog about.
Yeesh!

As for the picture… I decided that I've had enough publicity thanks to my I-Pod and took the opportunity on leaving a Valentine gift suggestion…
Hurry while stocks last! :P

Sunday Wash

Photosource: Holly Spring

Today I walked around in circles in the park. Deciding that music would only emphasize my mood, I opted to merely listen to the birds and soak the warm winter’s sun whilst I searched for serenity and contemplated.
Self-forgiveness.
It's the hardest of human tasks to do.
Forget patience – with effort I can conjure patience…
Forgiving myself for being a total idiot… that's a whole other ball game!
Having my finger caught in the door… that's forgivable.
But having it caught in the door everyday, that's just plain stupidity.
How do you forgive that?!

I consider myself intelligent, enough so to keep from making certain mistakes…
And yet, I find that often I lack the strength to stop myself from making them.
It's like driving off a cliff at 220km/h… you see the edge and while your brain tells you to hit the brakes, something stronger (or weaker, this part is debatable) keeps your foot firmly flat on the accelerator.
How do you forgive that?!

I consider myself orientated, enough so that I have no reason to get lost in certain places…
But even so, there are times I can't fight the urge to walk into the dark and the unknown. On those times, I'll leave my map at home and throw all caution to the wind.
Worse than walking into the unknown is walking on the roads you've walked through before, knowing that they lead to a dead end and yet you walk hoping for a highway connection...
You walk… and walk… and find the same dead end that was there the last time you came this way.
How do you forgive that?!

I consider myself confident, enough so not to let other's opinions alter my opinion of myself and my journey…
However, there are those whose words seem to always get through my common sense’s filter right through to my heart where they find the power to botch up the whole system.
After you've mastered the art of not letting other's opinions get to you how is it that suddenly another person's thoughts or ideas suddenly lead you to believe that you're lost.
How do you forgive that?!

I'm the kind of girl who knows exactly what she wants, where she's going and how she's going to get there…
So why isn't that enough to keep me from wanting the things I can't have?
I'm not an unsatisfied person by nature, I'm easily contented with what I have so why are there things I can't stop from desiring?
How do you forgive that?!

Yesterday I went shopping with one of my best friends for a birthday gift. We decided on getting him something he could wear and so the search began…
T-shirts; Jerseys; Shirts… we went through everything until we both found a polo we both agreed on.
I hate shopping! But I love shopping for someone else… I loved picking up the different items of clothing and trying to picture that person in them.
At one point, I picked up soft light blue shirt that I could definitely picture myself being hugged by; but instead of picturing the birthday boy my imagination went to fetch someone with bigger arms… someone who has no business swimming in my mind.
It's a forgivable mistake…
But not after a certain amount of time has gone past.
How do you forgive yourself for being that weak?!

I wish I were stronger,
I wish I could stop myself from doing, saying, thinking, feeling all that I shouldn't but as a good friend reminded me recently: it takes time, a lot of it.
I wish I weren’t so impatient.
The human soul suffers so unnecessarily…

Lately I've been so proud of myself!
I've done all the things I said I would, I've found my spirit hiding in the depths in my soul and everyday I'm a happy person… the smile is genuine my friends, I'd say things honestly couldn't be realistically better…
I guess I'll just have to forgive myself for the stars I can't reach and live with the fact that I'll always be in love with them from a distance.

Let It Rip......

You meet the most intriguing characters whilst waiting for an elevator…
From the guy with “jeans and lip ring” to “the suit and tie”.
I personally prefer the guys with the piercings;
They generally let the ladies go in first and they greet you, often with a smile.
Whilst the latter have their noses way too high up to notice you beneath them.
Maybe it’s the altitude of working in the upper floors that gets to their brains; whatever it is, it seems to affect mostly anything that wears a suit.

I had just come back from my dinner hour when I happened to catch one of these sophisticated colleagues waiting for an elevator.
Wearing a beige suit and an annoyed expression on his face, he looked at his watch and then stood to attention with his hands folded in front of him whilst staring at the elevator.
When it finally arrived, he got in and then I got in.
He pressed on the 7th and I pressed on the 3rd and we both waited for the elevator to take us up.
It was just as the elevator began moving that it happened…
Unexpectedly…
Without Warning…
Bbbrrrrrriiiiiipppppppppppppppppppp…………….

The Art of a Fart…
The Loud are all talk and little or no potency…
The Silent are violent…
And the then there are those that sound as if they came out with gravy… Eww!

I suddenly found the positive side to a blocked nose!!!
For once I was happy for having the flu and I quickly erased the images of what his underwear might look like after what I’d just heard!
The other occupant of the elevator suddenly turned into a deep shade of red and without so much as blinking or looking my way said:
“Sorry”
Due to fear of intoxication, I opted for nodding my head instead of opening my mouth and did my best not to breathe.

I don’t remember ever rushing out of an elevator so quickly!
Taking a deep breath of fresh air conditioned air; I grabbed on to my stomach and laughed uncontrollably until I finally managed to get a hold on myself.

On the bright side…
The myth that guys with suits are uptight asses isn't entirely true…
For it has been proven that they aren’t so uptight to enable the release of gas…
To those who wear suit and ties, I’m sure I convey the feelings of all when I humbly ask that when you do feel the need… the rumble in the tummy… or a gasbomb threat… Please use the stairs.

Fisherladies...

Photosource: Unknown

Once again women show that they’re better at it than men! When it comes to fishing, women do it successfully without even having to use a rod!
These fisherladies are everywhere and if you’re not careful, you’ll end giving them more than you bargained for.
Today I was attacked from three different angles and had I been distracted, I would’ve slipped right into their nets!
How do they do it?
Strategic questions!!!
They can be formulated in a million different ways but they´ll come out sounding as mild interest; one of those oh-by-the-way, as-a-matter-of-fact curiosities.
I personally enjoy dodging these questions until desperation makes the person ask me out straight what they want to know.

“So lately have you heard from…”
“Your skin is looking healthy, any particular reason or beauty secret you want to share…”
“Have you ever gone out for drinks with…”

When the answer to these questions don’t particularly matter much to you, it’s easy to smile slyly and ask “Why do you want to know”
But when they run cold down your spine, you abstain from such a phrase which you know will either make your lip tremble or come out defensively.
In such cases, I face the music with one word answers whilst strategically placing my concentration somewhere else.
(If they think you’re not listening, they tend to go away)

I’ll admit, as a woman I’ve learnt the tact necessary to find things out diplomatically but as an Arian I lack the patience it takes and I prefer bluntly asking what I want to know.
I may not catch the little fishies, but it sure puts me in contact with big sharks!

In Tones of Grey...

Photosource: Sunshine

There's a picture in your head, a place in you mind where you go to when outside everything is falling apart and you beseech the calm within.
To me it’s the “blue”
Blue Ocean… Blue Skies… Warm Sun
The minute I imagine it, I immediately start feeling the sun's warmth from within and I calm down in a deep breath.
There are technical terms for this practice; some call it finding your centre or your equilibrium… I call it my haven. It's where I find my inner peace and the serenity I need to make and take decisions that are not always clear.
Being a stubborn and passionate Arian, I have the tendency to boil over pretty quickly and make rash and impulsive decisions. Therefore this method has been something I've had to perfect over the years…
At times I substituted the image in my mind with other places I treasure and the people I care about, sometimes the first thought in my head would be “What would dad do…”, “What would James tell me…”
These versions didn't always work and I realized at some point that nothing works better to soothe me down than:
Blue Ocean… Blue Skies… Warm Sun.

On my way to Oeiras yesterday, I dug my nose out my book as we began to pass the coastline to the point where I could see the ocean.
It was Dark… It was Grey… It was Miserable…
And yet, I was surprised that even so, it didn't dampen my spirit.
On arrival, I still had some time to kill before meeting up with my friend and so I found my way to the beach and walked up to the Marina.
Sitting on a rock I contemplated the old saying:
“It can't be sunny all the time”
And even so… My spirit wasn't dampened.
The music coming through my earphones wasn't exactly the most cheerful; it spoke of heartbreak and moving on…
And yet… My heart didn't bleed.
In fact, I was reminded that there's nothing more infectious than a smile…
I was rewarded with the most amazing smiles from those who passed me by.

Closing my eyes to take a deep breath, I found that I already was at my most centered and found it strange that it was so even though I was surrounded by grey skies.
I began thinking that the strength in my method had very little to do with my favourite colour and more to do with the place I seek it:
The Majestic Ocean… The Infinite Sky…
I was almost certain of my theory until I saw a cat on the rocks.
Pitch black, it hopped gracefully from one rock to another.
Grabbing my camera, I couldn't resist chasing it for a photo…
Click!

I smiled and returned to my rock where a fisherman was packing up his backpack.
“Is it your cat?” I asked him.
He shook his head and told me that it was a stray, part of the scenery.
Damn! I knew this meant that if I tried to pet it, it would run away.
As if reading my mind, the fishermen suggested that I go try pet it and so thinking I can nothing to lose and only minor scratches to gain… I slowly gained ground.
Wouldn't you know it!
Not only did she let me pet her, but she purred and rubbed herself on my legs.
There's a lesson to be learnt in this… and this is what I came up with:

No matter how dark and gloomy the skies might be, how rough the ocean can get; the cat knows that behind the grey clouds is a blue sky that soothes the ocean and brings about beautiful days…
The cat knows that there's fish in the ocean and that one of them will fill his stomach, she must just voyage the rocks and find her opportunity.
Sometimes there are people that keep her company, other times she's alone.
She finds her strength and reason to live in knowing that there will always come beautiful days… food in her stomach… and someone to love her.

And that's the secret to life…
To know that there is colour even when it’s covered in tones of grey…
And to find your strength in knowing that no matter how dark things get, there's always a light at the end of the tunnel… always better days waiting… and that no matter the weather, there's always a reason to smile…

As my friend approached me and greeted me with a heartfelt embrace, I realized that I had all the reasons I need to Smile.
No matter the weather, my spirit will always find itself in:
Blue Ocean… Blue Skies… Warm Sun.

Carla What?!!!

Photosource: Unknown

I didn’t particularly like my name as a kid.
In Portuguese every third female is called Carla (every second is Maria!) and if you take out the “N” in Ornelas… and you strategically put in a “H”… let's just say I'm glad I don't have big ears or I'd never hear the end of it!

In English, I can't say that my name was too successful either. No one ever pronounced my surname properly (The different versions tried were dreadful, especially when heard in a crowded room). And my name sounds like one of the parts to a piece of clothing.

With time however… I learned to like my name and these days, I couldn't be prouder of it, I can't imagine being called by any other name but my own (No marriage for me thanks, unless the guy is willing to add my Surname to his, I ain´t adding no more names after the Ornelas!). Until very recently I thought my name was unique to the point that I'd never have to worry about finding another Carla Ornelas in the phonebook let alone on the company e-mail list…

Keeping this in mind, my first reaction to an e-mail from a Carla Ornelas was: “Which ape brain friend of mine thought this one up!... One banana for creativity, one whole whooping for monkeying around!”
Deciding to play along… I replied expecting to catch out the jellyfish…

Wouldn't you guess… it was no prank!

We're not the same age…
We don't share the same star sign…
We don't even live on the same continent…
But we have the same names… except for the middle (Sofia not Maria though some like to call me by that sometimes…)
As fate would have it, we're both fabricated from the same little island...
Alberto João once said that there are more Madeirans living outside of Madeira than in, so much so that it produced two Carla Ornelas!!!!

How did we find each other?... Google! (Isn't it just your favourite search engine of all time!)
Type in your name and see where it takes you, I was surprised that my blog’s profile was the very first link found.
I guess I owe you all a thank-you for that!

Blimey! Ain´t that just one of life's coincidences!

Revenge is Sweet...

Alright! I'll admit… I asked for it! (Doesn't mean I regret all my past actions and this certainly means I plan on getting even!)

Accepting all and any ideas for future reference…

Happy New Year

Photosource: Miguel Nobrega

As I watched the figment that you see above you, it occurred to me once again that I have the power to make of my year what I so choose and so…

This I've decided to throw my patience to the winds and be the bitch that lies within me… friends will feel no difference but those asking for whooping will feel it!

After the fireworks and the raisons (Which I nearly choked on), I got my arse kicked at Pictionary. (You try draw a madhouse without words or gestures! The best I could do was a house with a stickman next to it and loose screws over his head) I’m accepting tips and suggestions for a better performance next year.

It was around 2am when I got dressed up, put on my high heels and make-up and went *jolling until 9am!!!

*South African slang for partying!

If my start to the New Year is any indication of how the rest of the year will be like, then I'm going to have a brilliant year where I meet funny characters, a couple of good looking guys and get to dance on top of bars (What?! Don't tell me you've never tried it!). Best of all, it means I'll get to see beautiful sunrises and spend time with the people I care about and that care about me.

2007 promises to be a hell of lot better than 2006!!!

Never Give Up

Being the prudent person that I am, I like to have all my bases covered so that I'm not caught off guard or unawares.
I make it my mission to predict every possible effect that a certain action or conversation may or may not have on a person.
I've become so good at it that I'm rarely surprised by people's reactions.

But every now and then… I'm flabbergasted.

At a company Christmas dinner, I asked my old boss if it there was a possibility that I could return to my old job.
Within year in which I barely earned enough to eat and pay the rents, I was left with very little life beyond working, eating and sleeping (it gives me plenty time to write blogs but very little inspiration to invest into them).
And so… feeling weak and homesick… I asked to come home.
My boss smiled, told me that there was always that possibility and told me to come see him the following week.

Resigned that I would be coming home, I expected my meeting with him to be one in which we discussed the conditions on which I'd be coming back…
I expected gloating, the seriousness…
Anything but the words I ended up hearing…

Unpredictable but not stupid, I thought long and hard before coming to the conclusion that I wanted to return to Madeira.
I felt divided…
On one hand I like Lisbon, I didn't want to give up on my goals and I wanted to keep on fighting…
On the other hand, I miss Madeira madly; I miss my family, my friends and quality of life that Lisbon can't offer someone who doesn't have money to spend.
My friends have all been supportive.
There are those who thought that coming back was the right thing to do, while others believed it to be a big mistake.
I so value the support my friends give me, you know they're your true friends when the last words you hear from their mouths are:
“No matter what you decide, I'll support you.”
Sometimes it scares me the faith that my friends have in me… at times I don't have half as much faith in myself, this was one of those times.
Right to the moment where I asked my ex-boss to return, I myself wasn't certain that I was making the right decision.
But I asked him anyway knowing that regardless of being right or wrong the decision needed to be made and it was mine for the making.

I waited for the “are you sure this is what you want?”
Or the “There's no turning back after this decision.”
And even the “I told you so”
What I got was far from my wildest expectations…

I sat in awe as my ex-boss named all the reasons why he would not assist in my giving up on my life's project.
“You set out for Lisbon with goals and you're not giving up on them”
He managed to put into perspective all the reasons why I left for Lisbon in the first place and honoured me with the highest compliment I could ever hope from him:
He called me competent… too capable to just give up.
Taking his time, my ex-boss helped me find solutions to the difficulties I have in Lisbon; even offering to speak to my current boss in attempt to help earn me a raise, an offer I kindly refused but took to heart for the grand gesture that it was.
Filled with mixed emotions, I was angry that he wouldn't take me back and at the same time grateful that he wouldn't let me give up.

I feel rescued.
For the first time in my life someone grabbed me by the shoulders and firmly declared:
“I won't let you give up!”

He’ll never know just how much that means to me.

Maybe it'll just be another year before I ask him once again to let me come home; at least I know that I won't be filled with regret if after that someone asks me:
“Did you give it you all?”

Until the Curtain Closes...

Photosource: unknown

There's something common in all of Shakespeare´s pieces: Love, Hate, Passion… and someone who screws it all up…
It's as if Shakespeare knew that fate has a sick sense of humour and that we are but pawns and puppets part of someone else's destiny.

I used to believe that all his work was nothing short of a brilliant result of a fertile imagination but I've come to realize the genius behind his work in nothing short than a mirror of someone's reality…
And reality, as I recently read, hold no author's rights.
It belongs to all and none and therefore it is what we choose to make of it.
If it doesn't happen to you, it will happen to someone you know… it'll happen because it can and it will and it’s all part of the big scheme written by an author whose face no one ever saw.

What most intrigued me about Shakespeare’s plays were the Love Triangles… you know… Viola falls for Orsino that's in love with Olivia that's head over heels for Cesário who in fact is really Viola...
In the end when the curtain falls, Olivia ends off with Sebastian, Viola’s twin brother who was thought of as dead and Viola is freed from pretending to be a man and earns Orsino´s heart.
Perhaps the fact that Twelfth Night is the only of Shakespeare´s plays that ends off well is because in life, the story rarely ends well. Love Triangles are unlikely to have happy endings… someone, and often all… get hurt.

To care for someone that cares for someone else… it’s like chasing a runaway train.
But don't look to Master Shakespeare for advice; lest you have a twin of yourself, the story will only end in tears…

Someone suggested substitution as a solution:
To forget one, you substitute with the other.
It works… for some people…
Other people feel the sweet taste of regret when they kiss the lips of the substitute just to open their eyes and see the face of the original copy…
It's enough to drive you to drink!
It's a sobering experience.

There are no-win situations and heartbreaks that just have to be felt and endured… for inexplicable, undeniable and uncontrollable feelings… there's always time and distance.
When you don't know what to say or what do to…
Smile and curtsy until the curtain closes.

Happy New Year!

Bring on the New Year!

Photosource: Sunshine

It's early but I already have a glass of wine in my hand; this year I can't wait to drown the “old man”…
I wish you could see the way the sun sparkles silver on top of the ocean’s blue surface… in the harbour seven ships are docked and ready for the evening’s big event and all around you can feel the energy of excitement bustling from every home.
The sky is clear blue, there isn't a cloud in sight and I contemplate, as I do every year… the year that I'm about to leave behind.

It's been a tough year…
There have been good moments but too few to remember;
This year, I long to leave the old year behind.
I didn't achieve half of the goals I set out for 2006; yet I feel that I got more out of it that I was expecting.
I grew, I matured and I'm a richer person for it.
Looking back, I find a different person to the person I was, a year ago;
It's amazing the difference a year can have on a person…

This year my resolutions are different and I honestly haven't figured out whether this year’s decision is a step back or a step forward.
While some call it quitting, giving up or letting go…
Others considering the maturity of knowing when to settle…
Don't ask me… because I'm not sure; all I know is that I've made the decision.
I'm coming home…
Back to the island which I considered my cage and now see as my haven.
Whether an act of wisdom or an act of stupidity, it´s my decision and I refuse anyone´s opinion... the consequences are mine to bear and therefore I dispense outside influence.

On the only night of the year where I eat raisons… 12 to be exact, I'm going to ask fate for something different this year…
For 2007 all I want is peace of mind... good music and a lot of dancing!
All I want to remember of 2006 are the people that made my heart smile and the year bearable.

The sun is setting... and with it the last light of 2006.
I'm grateful for my laptop and digital camera that allows me to share my last sunset of 2006 with all of you.
For all the people I most care about; I wish a year of Joy, Laughs, Smiles and above all lots of Love!...
Be happy people… if you're happy, I'm happy too.

Missing in Action...

Photosource: Bernard Mitchell

Last week as I waited to talk to one of my colleague’s, I overheard her phone conversation with her daughter.
Her daughter had never missed a swimming lesson since a young child and for the first time wanted to stay home because some boy had called her fat.

I listened with my heart in throat as her mother told her the words I never got to hear;
She told her that she should face up to the boy, face up to her problems; explaining that she's as beautiful as she is and should not allow someone else to make her feel bad about herself and take her away from what she loved most to do.

I had to literally hold back the tears and the impulse to hug that woman and thank her for merely understanding her daughter... I'd like to do the same for my own daughter one day.

Today was Christmas and the house was so full you could barely move… there were laughs, jokes, smiles and plenty of memories replayed.
There couldn't be a happier moment and yet, I had the nagging feeling that something was missing…
Something that's always missing…
That's never there when I need her the most.
Mom.

Worth Losing Sleep Over...

Photosource: www.mightykat.net

How many all nighters can you handle in a row?

After the company Christmas party where I danced non-stop all night right through to the morning where the only pitstop was the shower before getting into work; the only image I had in my mind consisted of a bed and a soft pillow…

But then I got that call that told me I would get no sleep…
“I´m in Lisbon, as soon as you get your but out of work we´re going out!”
I managed to convince my buddy that I only had enough energy to last me until dinner but I surprised even myself…

Herman José´s Café Café in Alcântara…
I strongly recommend it!
The food is great and the prices are relatively low.
It felt good to live in the moment with two of my amazing friends.
The mood was so inspiring that we decided to draw up a list of the things we want to accomplish for the year 2007…
The list is meant to be common for the three of us, so before 2007 is through these are the goals we will strive to achieve:

1. Share a romantic bubble bath with someone special (S)
2. Find a soulmate (P)
3. Have dinner at the same place, around the same time with the same friends and their significant other (R)
4. Steal a kiss (S)
5. Convince Sunshine to go back to Madeira (P)
6. See Patricia Chapparinho´s singing carreer skyrocket (R)
7. Be responsible for a successful matchmake! (S)
8. Learn a new type of dance (P)
9. Reach our Professional goals (R)
10. Have a steamy night someplace we´ve never been before (And if possible with a position that hasn´t been tried yet) (P&S&R)

Hell… it´s a demanding list but they´re goals worth fighting for… i´ll be happy just to attain one… any one of them!

We sat between a hen and a Christmas party and once dinner was over, the entertainment began!
And the energy was such that I completely forgot how tired I was!

Kareoke…
There are people that should be sued for attempting it!
Luckily it´s one of the things I don´t suck at so much…
Saving all my Love for You – Whitney Housten.
I like the memory we created to associate with this song better the first one I had before.
I sang with my heart but it was my buddy´s voice that sang with me that allowed for a powerful and vibrating performance!
(better than on my regular performances in the shower)

We danced…
Never mind the fact that I´d spent the whole night before dancing without any sleep in between…
The way I see it… Dancing is like sex!
The rhythm is like foreplay…
Once you´re in the mood you can´t deny your body from moving!
The energy in the room was simply contagious!
Even the lady in the Father Christmas suit danced…
She was old enough to be my grandmother but she sure knew how to move it on top of a chair!

Thank God and Pirex for that Herbalife energy thingy!... It got me through the night! But after almost two straight nights without sleeping… I couldn´t wait to end the party in club duvet with the sheets are my partners and the blanket as the deejay!

When I finally did lay my head down on my pillow, I did so with a sigh and a smile of pure joy and contentment…

Turn Around?

Photosource: Getty Images

There are times you want to turn around…
Turn Back…
To say Hello…
To say Goodbye…
To explain…
To put in the effort…

But then you stop and think to yourself: “Fuck it!”

I grow tired of “fixing” things…
Perhaps they´re meant to stay broken.
Why waste energy to try and fix things with someone who doesn´t need it…
Doesn´t want it…

It takes the will of two to make things right.

Should the universe forgive us our for our pride then destiny will make sure we have other moments.

Reiki After Affects - 1 Week

Photosource: Unknown

What has Reiki done for me within 7 days?
I could argue that I simply had a particularly good week….
That all the good things that happened just happened as life does!... BUT

I don´t believe in coincidences and I don´t believe in chance and therefore I consider the following side affects of the week to have been attracted to my life due to the Reiki i´ve been practising.:

Warm Hands: I don´t even have to focus energy into my hands, it´s just constantly there these days…

Touch: Everything, everyone… I walk around with the constant desire to make that connection…

I´m more conscious of my breathing… in fact i´m more conscious of everything around me. It´s as if a half of my soul returned from the future and the other half from the past in order to focus completely on the present…

These days…
Talking comes easier…
Smiling comes easier…
Laughing comes easier…
Even walking feels easier!

Everyone i´ve spoken to this week suddenly remembered something positive or happy to tell me and even those that are sad seem hopeful.

I was given a sparkly green heart with pink marshmallows for having spoken my mind…
I was told that I was missed…
And today when I arrived at work exhausted from last night´s exertions…
(Dancing!… Company Xmas party! :P )
…I was given a shoulder rub and one of those stimulant drinks that are ten times more effective than coffee…
Somebody´s made me feel special! :)

But the best side affect of all…
The one that will keep me practicing Reiki until i´m old and grey…
Are all the hugs and kisses!!!!!!! Lots of them! Hehehe.
As if suddenly I became a magnet and that the most natural reaction a person can give me is either a hug or a kiss… or both!
I was pampered with the kind of hugs that leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy after a heartfelt embrace. The feel-good kind!
And then there were the kisses…
And I don´t mean that Mwah Mwah, here´s a kissy for you…
I mean spontaenous kisses…
…kisses involving lips….
…loaded with TLC (Tender Loving Care)!!!!
I was charmed with the kisses I got on the back of my hand and I felt the heat left from the kisses that landed on my cheeks but it was that unexpected kiss that really put the cherry on the top of my week…
I couldn´t contain a huge smile of pure joy when a certain someone took a deep breath of my hair and decided to plant a kiss right there on my head, between my mass of curls.
I´d never been kissed there before… but I like it!
I like it a lot!
So much so that i´m considering throwing away my hairdryer and sticking to curly!
I could get very used to those kind of kisses!... Bring ´em on!
I feel so loved! :)

The universe must be compensating for all kisses I haven´t been getting!
Sadly, the lip service didn´t reach my lips…
But hey… i´m not complaining… as far as i´m concerned the universe can keep compensating with those kisses that say “I really digs you!”

It just goes to show you that one good thing attracts another and if you take care of your garden (attitude & energy) then the butterflies (hugs & kisses!) come to you!!!

Reiki (Hands on Healing)

Photosource: Unknown

In two of the most intense days of my life, I was taught and retaught the art of Reiki. For those of you who don’t know what it is, I strongly suggest some research on the subject.

It isn’t a religion… It isn’t a cult or an esoteric practice…
It’s a science that any and all can do.

I call it the art of connecting to the universe’s energy source in order to heal your own.
And if you so choose to be a channel of that energy… you can heal just about anyone.
It's isn't about curing diseases though that could be one of the side affects… it’s about fixing the energy that surrounds a person.

Energy… everything in the world is made of it including the human being. If you keep that concept in mind, Reiki becomes an easy concept to grasp.
Consider the way you’re influenced by your surroundings. How many times have you been influenced by the energy surrounding you?
The atmosphere of a certain place?
Or the mood of the person near to you?
If you consider that the energy you step into influences your own then it’s easier to accept that you too can influence your own energy.
If that is true than why do we have so much trouble staying positive and are prone to “bad phases”… it’s the unconscious programming and Reiki teaches you how to reprogram your thoughts… your own energy.

“If you want to change the world, change yourself”

If you consider that life is a question of perspective, then how you choose to look at it plays a big role on how it will influence you.
Quit using negatives… Never… No… won’t… can’t… don’t…
Easier said than done… most difficult is to take consciousness of our own programming errors.

“Taking consciousness is the hardest part, once you’ve gotten that part right, the rest becomes easier”…

Program your own mind… Feel your body… Get in touch with your soul… Listen with your heart… Set your spirit Free.

What I loved most about this course, besides the group, the energy, the lessons and the cute teacher… was that the concepts were of the most basic.
No mambo jumbo…
No “take my Word for it, believe and have faith”
I was explained the basics and the science behind the practice.
Reiki makes sense if you research the theory behind it..

Not being a complete novice to the energy theorem, there were things I was merely retaught. However, I learnt certain things that readjusted my perspective hence changing drastically my vision on my life. What I learnt made all the difference:

According to Reiki, we have four types of baggage:
Recent Baggage: The stuff that happened not too long ago that we’re still working through (until maybe two or three years before the current date)
Adolescent Baggage: The traumas of puberty
Childhood Baggage: The traumas and bad programming during childhood
Genetic Baggage: The stuff you inherit from birth, and for those who so believe… the Baggage from other lives.

The older the Baggage… the harder to deal and work through. And the crappy thing about this kind of Baggage is that it sits in the centre of your soul like the eye of a thick onion… you can’t get to it without working through the other layers of simpler baggage.

To me this wasn’t a new concept, what was added to this concept is what brought tears to my eyes…
Doesn’t it piss you off when an issue you thought you dealt with comes back to haunt you? Guilt and an overwhelming sense of frustration invades you as you blame yourself to letting something you supposedly dealt with, bother you again.
Feelings of weakness and failure… not only do you have to deal with the issue again but the fact that you’re once again dealing with it, becomes an additional issue.

I fought to suppress the tears as my teacher told me that the fact that I deal with the same issue twice or more doesn’t mean I failed the first time around.
The fact is that certain issues go deep and affect you in different ways. In one phase of life it may affect you in a certain way; you deal with it and then move on.
At another stage of your life it may attack you again… for a different reason, from a different angle and you’re forced to once again work through it.
The most flagrant example I can think of is death:
Someone dies and you work through to get over it and you do. Two years later you may cross someone that reminds you of the deceased, or someone else dies, or something happens in your life that involves them and suddenly their death attacks you again from a different angle… you’re forced to deal with something you’d worked through before.

What I loved most about our teacher… besides the warmth and light that radiated from him… was the simplicity and humanity about him.
Here’s someone who isn’t sitting on an unattainable high stool. Instead he was someone I could easily have coffee with, talk with and share daily challenges.
“We’re only human, forgive who you were yesterday. Accept who you are today and know that you can and will do better tomorrow”
It makes the process of self-enlightenment easier… with less pressure upon yourself.

I could tell you about chakras, breathing, meditation, energy flow and articulations but it’s something that research will teach you better than I can…
If you press on the title or if you search on the links, you’ll find the source of the path that’s brought me to this entry. If I could I’d teach the world Reiki, I’d teach everyone to heal themselves and the people around them and convince each and every individual to take the course that I did.
Ask me… I’ll share with you everything I know.

Reiki – The art of synchronizing with the universe’s energy in order to heal your own…. Heal others… and even make a difference in your surroundings… in the world.
It takes more than mind… it takes heart… it takes soul… and it takes trust…
I’m working on the latter.

Reiki won't keep you from falling… you will fall… its part of working through the onion layers. Reiki just makes the healing process a hell of a lot easier.

Does it really work?
I’ll let you know the differences felt after 21 days… (Self Therapy)
However if you ever felt the mystical power of a heartfelt hug then Reiki is only another form of transmitting the love and care that it takes to make someone else heal.

I strongly recommend it and I appreciate volunteers in which to practice on!
Call me up... we can book a session!

Azucar & Salsa (Aveiro)

Photosource: Maggie Heinzel-Neel

The sound assaults you…
The rhythm takes you over…
Your heart tunes into the frequency of the music…
You soul synchronizes to the beat.
Hips sway…
The body becomes part of each instrument playing…
It moves…
It steps up to each beat…
You surrender to the music
The music takes you over and keeps you on the edge…
The edge of self-control where you take consciousness of every move you make and the fact that it is a product of the song… a consequence of the rhythm.
You let go to the spirit within… as if it were an orgasm.

It’s better when it involves two…

The challenge…
To listen to your partners body…
To feel how it moves, to move in sync to him…
To let yourself be lead… but not taken.
Step to… step from…
The challenge…
To push one another to the edge… to keep each other from falling.
It takes trust… it takes courage… heat… rhythm…
It takes heart.

I dared…
He dared…
We pushed onto the edge…
And when he spun me around… I knew my limit would be two sequential turns…
The challenge… one more?
Do I risk falling to the floor?
At two I knew that I could still control the stop…
I dared to trust…
I spun a third time…
I spun a fourth… certain that I’d see the floor…
What the hell… a bruise wouldn’t kill me…
Satisfaction of the risk would compensate…

But just as I expected my body to connect with the floor…
I was caught…
I was held…
I didn’t slip…
I didn’t fall…
We made it… in a sexy final pose that justified the trust I invested in my partner.

God I love dancing!!!
Take me again and again and again and again and again…
I can live without sex… but don’t take me away from dancing!

I Surrender?!

Photosource: Unknown

Is throwing in the towel such a bad move?

As I sat through a meeting today listening to someone who doesn’t know me, discuss my future as well as the future of my colleagues a pertinent question went through my mind:
“What the hell am I doing here?”

I realised the question wasn’t in purpose of the place or discussion taking place and instead was the question one asks herself after a year has passed after a big change.
I didn’t reach half the goals I set out for myself and both my career as well as my studying future looks pretty shaky.
The unknown doesn’t scare me nor do I lack the strength to keep on fighting.
I have what it takes; the strength, the courage and the resilience…
However, as I reevaluate my reasons for being here, I surprise myself with the question:
Are they really worth it?

Yesterday I knew for sure, today I’m not so certain.
The fact that I can’t give myself any guarantees suddenly begins to bear weight where once it was no more than a consequence of a risk I was willing to take.

Reach for the moon and even if you miss, you’ll land in between the stars. (One of my favourite quotes!)

On the darkest of nights, I remind myself of this saying and yet, I can’t seem to see any stars in the path I’m following.
So maybe I should turn back and learn to give more value to the stars I already have… or should I keep believing in the stars I can’t yet see?
Are they really there?... or are they a mere fiction of my imagination?
I’m not a quitter but do I have the good sense to know when to let go?

Blind Faith is starting to lose its effect on me.
Though it isn’t a loss of faith, but a loss in the meaning behind the reasons in which I invested all my energy.
Being positively inclined by nature, it feels strange to contemplate giving up… perhaps I should see giving up as taking a step forward.

For a whole year I’ve yearned for stability, for direction and the one thing I’ve been fighting against the most seems to the inevitable choice: Change.
Change is the only guarantee life gives though for some of us it’s more than a consequence: it’s a choice.
I’m tired of choosing change.
I guess I’ll have to play it by ear, with a bit of luck my changes become clearer and this time around I can say that change chose me…
Is it time to pack my bags already?

I’m still not certain… all I know is that to stay… I need stronger reasons that I don’t possess…
Maybe that’s all the reason I need.

How to tell if he feels the same...

Photosource: Unknown

Ever gotten that butterfly feeling in your stomach each time a certain someone walks past you? After a while, when you realize you can’t quite shake that feeling you ask yourself the big question. What are the chances he’s feeling it too?

They call it. "The game"... and I particularly suck at it!
As far as I’m concerned, the whole cat and mouse thing is only fun when you know what you can count on, otherwise it’s just frustrating.
Patience is definitely not one of my virtues (don’t argue with me people... it isn’t!)
And therefore when that certain question arises "Does he or doesn’t he?"
I have to know.
Otherwise it keeps you up at hours which you should be sleeping!

So now that we’ve decided to cut-the-bullshit, let’s find out if the other side is listening to the same song; the big question becomes:
How?!

There was a certain guy I had a terrible crush on in high school which I never found the courage to tell him I liked him. The whole school seemed to know except for him.
Years later when I finally confessed, I was bummed to discover that the feelings were mutual and had I done something about them, my love life back then would’ve been more eventful.
This taught me a very important lesson: feelings are a gamble; if you risk it you at least have a chance of making a dream come true.

I was one of the gutsiest girls on the playground. I beat up the boys when we played kissing catches and I was the girl who could be found racing bikes, getting dirty and looking for crabs or tadpoles in the river with the boys.
I stood up to the meanest teacher in the school and I stood up to my very first boss. I’m courageous and I stand up for what I believe it, but when it comes to feelings, I’m as chicken as they come.
So after lesson number one, I had to find a way to let the guy know I was interested without dying of embarrassment. And hence I opted for writing "the" letter.
In first grade I recall getting a letter with the question "I like you, do you like me?" and a yes or no box I had to tick.
Instead of using that intelligent technique invented by a seven year old, I decided to write to the object of my affection a detailed essay of how I felt about him.
Needless to say, the results were devastating! Not only did he not share the sentiment, he decided to share my sentiment with everyone else!... He might as well photocopied the letter and pinned it on the walls so that people could throw darts at it.
Lesson number two: don’t put in writing what can and will be used against you.

After that I realized I have no other choice but to say the words but seeing as I’m such a chicken, I decided there had to be a simpler way of telling someone how you feel without melting in front of them:
The telephone!!!
And this time. the news was positive: he liked me back!
What saddened me was that later on, I had no facial expression to remember the beginning by.
Sadly, I discovered that the feeling only existed in either writing or over the phone.
When we were together there was very little we had to say to each other.
The break up was also inevitably: over the phone.

If you want to tell someone how you feel, you do it face to face.
And because it’s so damned hard, you take three shots of Tequila and your best friend in the background for back up.
The great thing about Tequila is that you feel great even after the rejection and that you manage to laugh in between sobs while your best friend comforts you through the rest of the night in one the club’s bathroom cubicles. (Thanks Buds, I’ll never forget the support or the hangover!)

You have to be sober.
So much so that you actually feel drunk by the lack of equilibrium your body suffers.
Your throat dries and your body shakes and you search that other person’s eyes for that look of insurance that tells you that everything is going to be alright.
Did I do it? Did I finally say the words?
Hell no!!!
They got stuck in my throat so tight that I could hardly breathe!
Ladies and Germs, I’ve pulled off a lot of difficult stunts in my life but this was by far the hardest.
But I just had to know... and so...
Deciding that if the feeling was mutual, he’d lean in towards me; I decided to lean in slow (with adrenalin, the anticipation is quite excruciating) as I hoped for the moment in which his lips met mine letting me know as Cher did that the feeling was in fact reciprocated "In his kiss"

It wasn’t.

I learnt that when a man cares for you, he comes after you. Women aren’t supposed to make the first move: so I’ve been told time and time again by women who are far more successful at relationships than I am. And so, we women are meant to wait and see what happens.
In which case... I’d go nuts, sorry mom; I’m just not cut out for this game.
I expect you all to come visit me in the convent! I hear there’s a good one some where in the middle of nowhere, Arrábida right?

I believe in dancing, I don’t mind making the first move as long as the moves are being made with me. I don’t regret my decisions, even when they end in tears.
Will I declare again?... I sure as hell hope not!... At least not anytime soon!
I have better plans for becoming a nun...
But I do know that I want to continue being the kind of person that faces my fears.

In that last case, I didn’t hear much after the "No" (Thank God that I got a straight answer: nothing worse than a "maybe" or a "I’ll think about it" - Yeesh!)
But I do recall being asked "Did I mislead you into believing I felt the same?"
At that stage I was too busy praying to disappear or disintegrate to finish a proper response but if I had the chance to go back and answer him I would have said:
"The eyes only see what the heart wants to see… and so when we care about someone, we take their every sweet gesture as a sign that something bigger might grow from there.
I could point out words, conversations and moments that I might have misinterpreted but what lead me to believe that you may feel the same way didn´t come from something I could point out.
It was the look I found in your eyes that drew me into believing that the magic I was feeling was staring back at me.
I guess I was wrong:
It must’ve been only a mirror of what I was feeling."

I strongly believe that what you feel is worth fighting for… truly fighting for and no amount of heartbreak will change my point of view.
This particular entry was inspired by someone who has spent two years caring about someone else who hasn’t assumed the commitment.
To him I say even knowing so very little or nothing about the story:
Fight… push her against the wall and kiss her. Grab her by the wrists and force her to look at you in the eyes and tell you how she feels.
It’s so easy to run from words, but you can’t deny the truth found in the eyes and in a kiss.
There are no maybes in the heat of the moment and if she truly feels the way you say she feels… she’ll surrender, she’ll commit to what she feels.

Worse than a "No" is not knowing for sure... the anticipation; the frustration of not having that person in your arms.

As for me… Analyzing my track record; I’ve decided to invest in a rosary this Christmas!